


(And Things Will Be) Hard At Times

by lululawrence



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Accidental Pregnancy, Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Established Relationship, I know you're getting conflicting messages, Light Angst, M/M, Meet-Cute, Mpreg, Mpreg Louis, No cheating, Panic Attacks, Photographer Harry, Teacher Louis, Unplanned Pregnancy, just so you don't have to worry about that, like the anal fingering isn't for sexy purposes, minor health scares, not smutty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 10:41:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 34,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11758143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lululawrence/pseuds/lululawrence
Summary: Louis and Nathan had been talking about marriage and kids and a family for years now, but it had never felt right.  If anything, the talking about it had petered out over the past while because they were busy living the lives they had settled into.  It wasn’t that they didn’t think they’d ever have kids, just that they weren’t to a point where they were ready for it yet.Well.  Ready or not, it was happening.Or the one where Louis and his boyfriend of five years unexpectedly find themselves pregnant and Harry is the paternity photographer that makes everyone think twice.





	(And Things Will Be) Hard At Times

**Author's Note:**

  * For [QuickedWeen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuickedWeen/gifts).



> Dear QuickedWeen, I hope you like this fic! I had fun brainstorming, but it very quickly got away from me to the point where your original prompt was more of an inspiration than what I was actually sticking to, so thank you for being flexible with what you were willing to receive! I hope you enjoy this fic that came from that. I worked for several months trying to make this something good that you'd like, and I think I was able to do that. The original prompt was:
> 
> Louis is pregnant but the father of his baby has left him. His family and friends are trying to keep his spirits up and keep him excited about it, and someone (who ever you choose) gives him the gift of a pregnancy/maternity photo shoot. Harry runs the studio in town where the session is, and it goes from there. (This can also go the other way, if you prefer to write mpreg Harry instead)
> 
> I hope no one is disappointed with how I very much made this my own.
> 
> Big thank you to my cheerleader and beta, [Tin](http://silentlarryshipper.tumblr.com), [Bec](http://tositandadmire.tumblr.com) respectively, for helping me so much and being so supportive! Any mistakes that slipped past them were mine and mine alone.
> 
> The title is from Capri by Colbie Caillat.

Louis collapsed on Nathan’s chest and closed his eyes.  Their sweaty skin stuck together, and all he could think about was everything he still needed to get done that night before work in the morning.  Probably not as romantic as sex used to be with them, but that’s what happened when you’ve been together for over five years.  Right?

“Babe, you have the condom?” Louis checked.  They’d had to switch to new fancy ones made out of lambskin that use a special lubricant thanks to Nathan’s allergies.  They were expensive, but felt fairly close to having sex without a condom, so they figured it was worth it, especially since Louis hated what birth control did to his hormones.  The only issue was, it was held on with a drawstring along the base and it had a habit of coming a bit loose, so they had to be very careful when Nathan pulled out afterwards to ensure that the condom stayed on.

Nathan reached down to make sure he had it, but then Louis felt him prodding at his sensitive hole.  

Louis whined in discomfort, shifting around a bit.  “What’re you doing?”

“I...uhm…” Nathan’s voice sounded a bit high pitched and worried.  “Fuck.  Lou, I can’t find the condom.”

Panic seized Louis’ body.  “What do you mean you can’t find it?”

Louis reached behind himself and realized Nathan was right.  It must have come loose during the short time they’d actually been using it and gone up inside of Louis a bit.  No need to freak out yet, they probably just need to go up a little inside to get it and everything will be fine.  Right?  Shit.

Louis hissed as his fingers stretched him a bit further, trying to find the condom, but there’s no such luck.  They’re just going to have to have Nathan pull out and hope it’s right there, ready to come out.  Or something.

“Okay, I’m going to slowly pull off, and then I need you to gently reach in and see if it’s right there, but we don’t want to push it in further, yeah?  So be careful.”  

Nathan nodded his understanding, and Louis braced his hands on Nathan’s shoulders.  He lifted himself up onto his knees and felt Nathan slip out, thank God, but Louis sighed in defeat when he also felt some come starting to seep out already.  Fuck.

Nathan reached in, and unlike about twenty minutes ago when they had quickly prepped Louis and it was exciting because it was the first time they’d been able to have penetrative sex in at least a month, this did not feel good at all.  In fact, it almost felt like Nathan was digging around, further and further inside of Louis.  At least he’d thought to reapply lube to his fingers before going back in.

“Are you searching for pearls?  What the fuck, Nate!  Is it not right there?”  Louis’ heart was racing.  Imagine them having to go to the hospital because a fucking condom was stuck inside his butt.  Shit, this was seriously the worst sex experience Louis had ever had.  

“I think I found it!” Nathan cried, his fingers shoved in past the second knuckles at this point, or at least that’s how it felt.  “I’m trying to pinch it between them now to get it out…”

Louis sighs in relief as he feels not only Nathan’s fingers but also the condom being removed.  Louis rolled off his boyfriend and looked at what he was holding in his hand.  The condom looked like it was all smashed together and about as small as it did when they pulled it out of the package.  

“I’m guessing this sucker didn’t do it’s job properly, then.”

Louis sighed.  “Yeah, but we’ll hope I am not one of the fertile ones who gets pregnant after one accident, yeah?”  They both chuckled half heartedly before going quiet.  

Yeah.  They’ll hope.

 

XXX

 

Louis’ hand was shaking as he looked at the men’s pregnancy test.  Pregnant.  Shit.

He and Nathan had been talking about marriage and kids and a family for years now, but it had never felt right.  If anything, the talking about it had petered out over the past while because they were busy living the lives they had settled into.  It wasn’t that they didn’t think they’d ever have kids, just that they weren’t to a point where they were ready for it yet.

Well.  Ready or not, it was happening.

Louis had put off getting a test, because he was so sure it wasn’t the cause of his feeling strange.  First he’d just felt...off.  There really wasn’t any other word for it.  He just didn’t feel like himself.  As time went on, that went away and he figured he was just being paranoid.  His nipples got a bit sensitive following that, but again, he either got used to the new sensitivity or it went away as well and eventually Louis forgot about it.  

It was the past month that finally got him to get a test, though.  It was almost four weeks ago that he started feeling nauseous in the middle of the afternoon.  He was finishing up teaching his last class, so he didn’t worry about it too much and just went home and relaxed.  He and Nathan both figured he was coming down with something, so in order not to catch it Nathan slept on the couch and let Louis continue using their room.  The next morning, Louis woke up feeling good as new so they figured it was just a twelve hour bug or something.

A few days later, though, the same thing happened.  It was just nausea, and nothing ever came of it, and in the morning he felt great.

The issue was that now it was almost a daily thing.  No matter the rest, physical activity of the day, food eaten, or anything that Louis took precautions with, as soon as it reached 2:30 in the afternoon, Louis began to feel sick.  He never even got to the point of dry heaving, thank God, but it was a low level, simmering, non-stop feeling of an upset stomach that roiled within him and caused him to want nothing other than to curl up in bed with his books and read.

As soon as water started making him feel nauseous and the fact it was happening every day at the same time, Louis finally went out to get a test.  Nathan had hardly noticed anything was going on because he was in the final stages of a massive project whose deadline had been moved up, so he was hardly home anyway.  All for the best, really.  Louis didn’t want him around when he felt like shit as it was.

But now things have changed.  Louis knew the cause.  And Louis realized that this feeling ill thing might not be going away anytime soon.  And Louis had to figure out how to tell his boyfriend that they were having a baby.  Fuck.

Louis shuffled in his joggers and old tee from his senior play in high school to the living room and threw himself onto the couch.  At least the nausea was just a manageable feeling that resembled a sensitive gag reflex today and not a if-you-move-at-all-I-might-hurl experience like he’d had yesterday.  Just as Louis was contemplating whether he could handle some food, he heard the door open and Nathan come inside.

“Hey, babe!  You here?”

“Yeah, in here.”  Louis sat himself up and waited for Nathan to come in.  He did almost as soon as Louis had himself positioned and sat down so his back was against the armrest and his feet were pulled up between them.

“The project is  _ finally _ over!” he cried, raising his arms in the air in a mock celebration.  “Too bad we start on the next one tomorrow and it’s even bigger than the one we finished.  But whatever.  Job security, right?”  Nathan chuckled and Louis tried to smile.  He studied the freckles that dotted Nathan’s nose and cheeks, the way his blonde hair was getting a bit longer than he usually liked to wear it.  It was all very endearing, but at this point, Louis couldn’t help but wonder if their baby would look more like Nathan or himself.

“Nate?  I have some news.”

Nathan could hear the serious tone in Louis’ voice and his smile slowly diminished.  “Oh, okay.  What’s up?”

Louis looked up at the ceiling and wrapped his arms around his knees, pulling them close to his chest.  “Uhm.  So.  You know I’ve not been feeling well, yeah?”

Nathan nodded his head slowly as his shoulders stiffened.

“Well.  It’s been really weird.  Because it seems to happen at the same time every day.  And I remember my mom talking about this happening with her with the twins.  She always complained that morning sickness wasn’t ever in the morning for her.”  Louis let out a nervous chuckle as Nathan’s posture relaxed a bit, but the anxiety was still clear in his eyes.  “It’s been about two months since that whole fiasco with the condom, and with the feeling sick and everything I got a test and it came back positive.”

Nathan blinked and then it was like the words clicked.  “Lou.  Are you saying you’re pregnant?”

On the verge of tears, Louis bit his lip and nodded.  He wasn’t sure he’d be able to get any words out at this point.  Louis had always been a bit weepy, but that was another thing that had been driving him nuts for longer than the nausea really.  He’d thought his tearing up over a student getting a good grade after working so hard was just because he was allowing himself to get too attached, but alas.  Apparently it was pregnancy hormones.

Nathan looked nervous, but had a bit of a smile on his face.  

“Well.  We did always say we wanted kids, right?  Even if the timing isn’t what we would have planned.”

Louis nodded and took a deep breath in an attempt to soothe his emotions.  Everything would be fine.  Right?  He had Nate, and now that he’d told him he could tell his mom.  She’d be over the moon for a grandbaby.  He just needed to get to the point where he was excited about this baby as well.

“Babe, thanks for telling me.  We can make this work.  We can.”

Louis nodded again, but wished that he had that same feeling of confidence that Nathan seemed to.  All he felt instead was that something was missing.

 

XXX

 

Louis was meeting his mom for breakfast a few days later, and nervously put a hand to his belly before he walked into the small cafe.  He found her already seated, miraculously without any kids in tow.  That didn’t happen very often, so Louis knew she must have heard how serious he was about talking.

“Boo Bear,” she murmured into his ear as she wrapped him in a hug.  God, he really needed that.  He and Nathan were never incredibly physical as a couple, but he felt like all he’d really needed since finding out a few days ago was a hug and some cuddles, and that’s exactly what he hadn’t gotten.  Nathan had been so busy that he was home even less than before.  Even now, on a Saturday morning, he was at work.  It sucked, honestly.

They sat down and he just studied her.  She was the mother of seven and the youngest twins were still only four, but despite the fact they probably ran her ragged she was stunning.  Louis hoped he would be the same way.

“So, should we order first and then get down to business?  I need to know whatever it is that you felt was important enough to tell me in person.”

Louis easily agreed and they chatted about their weeks before placing their orders and the server clearing the menus.  Once alone again, Louis took a deep breath and looked his mom in the eyes.

“I…”  Louis coughed, took a drink of water, and then tried again.  “Mom, I’m pregnant.”

His mom’s eyes grew wide before a smile broke out and tears began to shine a bit.  “Are you telling me I’m gonna be a grandma?”

Louis nodded, tears welling up quickly.  “Yeah.  Just found out a few days ago.”

Jay covered her mouth with her hand, but her eyes were crinkled in joy despite his not seeing her smile.  

“Baby,” she squeaked before clearing her throat and sitting up a bit straighter.  Louis loved when she did this.  It meant she was going into planning and assessing mode, which was exactly what he needed right now.  “Okay, tell me everything.  Was this planned?  What are Nathan’s thoughts?  How do you feel about it?”

Louis sighed and slumped back a bit.  Fiddling with his silverware still wrapped in a paper napkin, he said, “Definitely, absolutely  _ not _ planned.  At all.  Nathan...doesn’t really have thoughts except that now that we’re here we’ll make it work just like we always do.  And that’s that.  And I’m...just...scared?  I don’t know.  I have the strangest feeling, Mom.  Almost like everything is exactly how it’s supposed to be, except it’s not?  Not quite.”  Louis groaned.  “I’m not even making sense!”

Jay reached out and pulled his hand from his hair so she could clasp it between hers.  “Boo, it’s okay.  It doesn’t always make sense.”  She studied his eyes before asking, “Are you keeping the baby?”

Louis gasped, his hand flying to his abdomen.  “Of course I’m keeping the baby!  Oh my God, Mom!”

She sighed, relieved.  “I just had to make sure, hon.  So what can I do to help?”

Louis shrugged.  What was there to do at all?  His first appointment with the head nurse practitioner at the obstetrician’s office he’d chosen was next week, so he’d probably have a better idea then, and that’s exactly what he told her.

“Okay, well.  I’m here for you no matter what, alright?  Anything.  Even if it’s the middle of the night and you’re worried because your feet are swelling.  I know about these things.”

Louis let out a wet laugh, unsure when exactly he’d started crying.  “I know.  Thanks, Mom.”

“Now, how’s your Honors 10 class doing?  Is Ethan Mathis still acting up?”

Louis happily began to delve into his students and felt much lighter than he had before spending time with his mom.  He finally was beginning to feel like things just might turn out okay.

 

XXX

 

What the fuck was he doing?  There was no way he was going to make a good father.  And shit, Nathan was hardly ever home!  How the hell were they supposed to do this?  The pregnancy itself was going to be so complicated and there were so many things he had to worry about, like drinking enough water and his blood pressure since he was prone to high blood pressure, and gestational diabetes, and not eating lunch meat or unpasteurized cheese or milk or raw cookie dough and Louis might be hyperventilating.  Fuck.

Louis felt the nausea roll and he ran to the bathroom.  This might be the first time he actually throws up this pregnancy.  He knelt on the floor, dry heaving into the toilet.  He closed his eyes once the worst had passed and laid down on the floor.

He’d taken the afternoon off to go and meet with the head nurse practitioner and she’d gone through an incredibly detailed family health history for both Louis and Nathan’s families as well as giving Louis all the basics when it came to do’s and don’ts for pregnancy and it was definitely accurate to say Louis was overwhelmed.  He had an entire bag full of free shit he would likely lose before the baby came and a stack of paperwork to read through and all he wanted to do was sleep.

So he did.

A few hours later he was woken by Nathan gently shaking his shoulder.  

“Hey, babe.  You okay?  Let’s at least get you in bed, hm?  That’s gotta be more comfortable than the bathroom floor.”

Louis nodded and allowed Nathan to help him to a standing position.  He closed his eyes and waited, finally getting his bearings back so he felt he could walk without hurting himself.  His nausea seemed to have gone back down to the level he usually experienced this time of day, so that was good at least.  Sleep did sound nice, though, so Louis leaned into Nathan, who had wrapped his arm around his shoulders, and then climbed into bed.  

Nathan tucked him in and made sure he was comfortable before turning to leave the room.  

“I’m going to put a glass of water on the nightstand, okay?  I’ll also order in some food.  What sounds like you could get it down tonight?”

“Nothing,” Louis croaked, his throat a bit sore from the dry heaving earlier.  “All I want is grilled cheese and tomato soup.”

Nathan sighed, and Louis just pressed himself down into his pillow some more.  “Okay.  I’ll run to the store to grab what we need for that and be back soon.  Anything else you need?”

Louis shook his head and Nathan shut the door behind him and went to grab the necessary items.

Louis’ mind was still reeling.  He was excited to have this baby, he really was, but he needed to get himself in gear.  He had to stop freaking out about whatever it was that he felt like was off about the situation and just get into dad mode.  This baby was going to come no matter what, and Louis needed to find a way to get excited about it or he was just going to get further into whatever funk he was in right now.

The days began to fly in a blur of teaching, nausea, and grilled cheese with tomato soup.  Luckily the meal was one that Louis was well versed in preparing for himself, because Nathan was working late for this big project again.  Nathan was making sure Louis knew he was still there for him though, constantly sending texts to check up on how he was feeling, seeing if he could grab anything for him on the way home from work once he finally got out, and making sure that Louis always knew that he would do whatever he could to make sure Louis was comfortable.  It was nice, but what Louis really wanted was just some snuggle time.

Louis was finishing up at school on Friday and about to head home with a stack of papers to grade when he got a call from his mom.

“Lou, baby, I’ve got a surprise for you.  Can you stop by on your way home?  Stay for dinner?”

Louis looked at the time and remembered Nathan saying he should be home by 7:30 that night, but not any earlier.  Rather than spending another night at home alone while he tried to ignore his nausea and grade, the idea of getting to see his siblings, mom, and Dan sounded infinitely better.  

“Yeah, that would be great.  I’m warning you though, all I’ve been wanting to eat lately is grilled cheese and tomato soup.”

His mom laughed.  “Well, everyone here would love that for dinner, so no problem.  See you soon?”

They hung up and Louis finished grabbing everything.  He looked around to make sure he wasn’t forgetting anything, and went to his car to get to his mom’s.

 

XXX

 

“Open it!  Open it!”  Ernie and Doris were chanting while dancing around the middle of the living room.  

“Okay, okay!” Louis laughed, opening the weighty envelope his mom had handed to him a few moments ago.  He was getting tired and knew he had to get home soon or he’d be sleeping on their couch tonight.  He’d eaten more than he should have and was feeling a bit nauseous now, but her grilled cheese always somehow tasted better than his.

Once he’d ripped the envelope open, he found a pamphlet to Styles Family Photography.  The name sounded familiar, but he couldn’t remember why.

“I’m not sure I understand?” he said, almost as a question, as he started flipping through the small book.  He paused on a gorgeous photo of a man, clearly nearing the end of his pregnancy, standing while his partner knelt before him and kissed his belly.  It was beautiful and made tears come to Louis’ eyes.

“I booked you a paternity package,” Jay announced.  

“What exactly is a paternity package?” Louis kept flipping through the book though.  The photos were stunning, and he wanted to study the style of the photographer that apparently would be doing something for him.

“Oh, you know.  Remember how I had one done for me with the youngest twins?  Where I’d go in every month or so and do like a little photo shoot so I had an entire progress through photos once they were born?”

Louis looked up in shock.  “Mom, that was really expensive.  You shouldn’t have done that for me!”

She flapped her hand at him.  “Nonsense.  This is my first grandbaby we’re talking about, and I could tell you needed something to cheer you up.  Anyway, this isn’t the same photographer, but we’ve been using him for the past few years for the portraits of the kids and I just adore him.  I thought he would be a good match for helping you feel comfortable and getting great shots.”

Louis really was crying now.  Lottie snickered and he flipped her off discreetly before his mom kicked the rest of the kids out of the room.  She went and took Lottie’s spot beside Louis on the couch and wrapped him up in her arms.  He loved being held by his mom.  It was so warm and safe and sometimes he just really needed to be held.

“Listen.  I only wanted to do something to help you have something beautiful to hold onto after this is over, because it really does go fast.  You’ll have your consultation with him next week, okay?  His name is Harry and he’s truly lovely.”

Louis nodded.  “Yeah.  Okay.  Thanks so much.”

“You’re welcome, Boo.  I love you.”

Louis took in a deep breath and allowed himself to just have his hair petted by her a bit longer.  “Love you, too.”

 

XXX

 

Louis plucked at his shirt.  He was now nearing the end of his first trimester and he wasn’t really showing yet, but his clothes were getting a bit tight.  He also had been unsure what to wear for such a thing as a photo consultation, but he’d decided, being as completely exhausted as he was that day, sweatpants and an old t-shirt would do just fine.

He stood outside the little photography studio that was in what they called Old Jackson, the historic little district of their little city.  It looked lovely and comfortable and Louis was scared to go inside for a reason he couldn’t figure out.  He steeled his resolution and then stepped forward and opened the door.  

Walking in, he realized that no one was actually in the front area.  It was just a little desk with a tiny bell for him to ring to let them known he’d walked in.  Louis went ahead and hit it so it softly chimed and he heard a deep voice ring out from somewhere in the back, “I’ll be right there!”

Louis shivered a bit, unsure why the man’s voice had given him that reaction.  It was probably just that Louis was thrown off with the quick response.  Or something.

Louis started looking around the photos that were covering the walls, when he found one of his mom and youngest siblings. She was laughing in the photo, head gently tipped back, as Doris and Ernest looked to be swinging each other around in circles in front of her.  It was natural and beautiful, and Louis found himself tearing up because of the pure joy and love he could feel just from looking at the photo.  He was so touched, his hand was reaching out towards it almost of it’s own accord when he heard a throat clear behind him.

Louis jumped and spun around, finding eyes that were the clearest pale green staring back at him.  

“That’s one of my favorites I’ve ever taken,” the man said.  “They were such fun to work with.”

Louis smiled and turned back to the photo, a bit flustered.  The man was gorgeous and just enough taller than him that it made him feel a bit woozy.  It had been a long time since a man had made him feel that way.  He wasn’t sure how he felt about it happening again, especially now of all times.  And with his paternity photoshoot photographer.

“That’s my mom and two youngest siblings,” Louis said gently.  He could hear the fondness pouring out of his own voice.

“Oh, you must be Louis then!” the man said in surprise.  “I didn’t realize it was two already, I’m sorry.  I completely lost track of time.  I’m Harry.”

He held a hand out to Louis and Louis almost forgot to place his own hand in his.  It’s just...the man’s hands were stunning.  His fingers were a bit squared, but still long and adept.  Louis wondered if he played any instruments.  He could just imagine them flying over the fingerboard of a cello or moving across the frets of a guitar.  Instead here they were, warmly wrapping Louis’ hand in his, and his skin was incredibly soft.  

The touch made Louis immediately feel at ease, as if he had infused him with lavender and confidence.  Louis wasn’t sure what to make of it, but he smiled easily and simply said, “Yes, I’m Louis.  Nice to meet you.”

Harry gestured towards where he’d come from and said, “My office is just back here.  The consultation shouldn’t take long, but I like to be familiar with my clients, their expectations, and their situation so we can have a good plan going for what exactly we want to do before our session.  I feel like this is especially important for someone who is expecting.  I want to be sure to get not only your changing body and monitor the baby’s growth while it’s within you, but to also try to capture that feeling.”

Louis was already in awe.  He didn’t really know what to say in response, so he just followed Harry silently and sat in the chair indicated once they reached his office.

Harry settled himself at his desk, swiped his hair away from his face, and then grabbed his notepad.

“Okay.  So the package Jay got for you includes shoots that basically coincide with your ob visits.  It’ll be once a month until the end of the second trimester.  We’ll do every other week at that point and then weekly because that’s when your body is changing the most rapidly according to the outsider’s perspective.  We also want to get you photographed as close to the baby showing up as possible.  Does that sound alright to you?”

Feeling a bit overwhelmed again, Louis just nodded.

“Is that too much?” Harry asked, eyebrows furrowing with concern.  “She did choose the most inclusive package, but she’d liked her experience so much I figured she just wanted you to have the same, but if you don’t want to, we can definitely go to something smaller and either compensate with the number of photos you get at the end or I can refund her the amount she overpaid…”

“No!” Louis said, perhaps a touch too forcefully.  “No, I just.  This is all a bit unexpected and while I’m excited, I just…”  Louis took a deep breath and tried to force the tears to hold back.  Why the hell was he almost crying in front of his photographer over this?  “Sorry.  Uhm, I just get over-emotional about everything right now.  I’ll be fine in five minutes once it’s all sunk in, I promise.”

Harry smiled softly and leaned back in his chair.  “You know why I specifically wanted to become a family photographer?”

Confused at the turn in the conversation, but not entirely against it, Louis just shook his head.

“I saw the photos hanging on the walls of my mom’s house and it made me sad.  There wasn’t any of our personality in them.  The love we had and have for each other was not able to be seen in a single one of them.  Technically, sure.  They were great.  But they were missing everything that made our family the strong unit we were.”

Harry looked down at his hands as he fiddled with one of his numerous rings.  Damn.  His hands really were beautiful.

“I made it my goal when I was in high school and mainly focused at that time on landscape photography to do what I could to bring out who people were in their photos.  I wanted to be sure that anyone who came in to me would walk out of here with something to hang on their walls or send their family members and friends or stick into their memory books that showed that love and emotion they have for one another.  Their dynamic.  Their story.  

“People say that a picture is worth a thousand words, but often these family portraits are only worth maybe a hundred.  That’s nothing against the talent of the photographer or their skill!  They’re doing great with what they’re working with in regards to time and setup.  But I wanted to do it my own way.  My goal was not just to get a technically perfect photo of the family, but to have that photo be giving off the essence that makes them who they are as a whole.”

Harry’s eyes were now on a photo he had on his desk.  “I don’t know that I always achieve that.  But hopefully I get at least somewhere close.  And that’s what I want to try to do with you.  I offer this large of a package because I want to be sure to capture your changing feelings and emotions as you go through this incredible journey.  This is something you and your child will have hopefully for the rest of your lives, and I want to make sure we are both being true to the two of you.  Does that sound like something you can handle?”

Louis studied Harry’s face.  It was so open.  Louis could see how earnest he was with regards to these feelings and intentions and for the first time since he’d found out he was pregnant he truly felt excited.  

Louis was going to bring a child into this world.  A little human that would call him daddy.  Right at this very moment, that baby was growing inside of him and already depending on him and the love that Louis felt was so overpowering that he couldn’t control the tear that fell.  Harry offered a tissue and Louis finally moved one of his hands from where they had protectively been cradling his stomach to accept it and clean his face.

“Yeah.  That sounds perfect actually.”

Harry gave the brightest smile Louis thought he’d ever seen in his life and flipped to a certain page in his book.

“Awesome.  Let’s plan out what exactly we want to get from this, then.”

Two hours later and Louis was leaving feeling lighter than he had in weeks.  He couldn’t stop smiling after talking with Harry for that long.  Initially it was about the pregnancy and photos, but eventually it also revolved to what he did for work, Nathan, and updating Harry on his mom and siblings.  Being that comfortable with someone and being able to relax and chat about things they both felt passionate about for just a few hours had Louis feeling like he was a different person.  

It had been so long since he’d had a true friend outside of his family and Nathan’s.  He had what felt more like work acquaintances or friends from when he was younger that he would reach out to every once in awhile to catch up, but not someone he could talk to about literally anything.  Of course there was Nathan, but…

But what?  Shit.  Louis could admit to himself he was going to have to be very careful with this.  Harry was a nice man and incredibly attractive, but Louis was already in a happy relationship.  A  happy relationship with the other father of his child and oh my  _ God _ what was he thinking?  Okay.  Another friend was fine, obviously, but Louis had to be sure that’s all it ever would be.  And he had to be sure to only ever treat Harry as a completely platonic bro dude pal.  He loved Nathan.  Nathan wasn’t worth throwing away because for the first time in actual years Louis happened to become slightly infatuated with a pair of green eyes and long fingers covered in quirky rings.  

Louis could absolutely do this no problem.

 

XXX

 

Louis was standing shirtless in the studio and wondering when the hell he got to this point in his life.  What exactly had he done wrong in a past existence that brought him here: pregnant, very much happily with his partner, yet being photographed and entirely drawn to someone very decidedly  _ not _ his partner?  

Louis tried to focus on what Harry was asking him to do, which was cradle his still barely showing tummy and gaze at it lovingly.  How is he supposed to look at his belly lovingly?  What did that even mean?

“Louis, don’t try so hard,” Harry said gently, but that was all Louis could take.  

Louis dropped his hands and sighed, tipping his head back and trying to hold back his tears of frustration.  Damn these hormones.  “I just don’t know what kind of face I’m supposed to be making!  How do I look at someone lovingly?”

Harry stepped out from behind the tripod and came closer to Louis.  “Is it okay if I rub your shoulders a bit?  It’s fine if you’re uncomfortable with the touch, but I just want to talk to you and try to get you to calm down, okay?”

Louis nodded and turned his back to Harry.  As soon as Harry’s hands were on his shoulders, he dropped his head and felt his entire body relax.  His hands were so big and warm and they were working perfectly through the knots he’d been building from the tension he carried in his shoulders.

“Would it make you feel better to have your partner here with us for these photoshoots?  Would that help you be a bit more relaxed?”

Louis considered Nathan and the little note he’d left on the counter that morning.  “No, I’d probably feel even more guilty actually.  But once he’s finished with his current project I might bring him with me.”

Harry continued working on Louis’ shoulders in silence, before saying, “Who are the ones you care most about in your life?  Like, if I were to say the word  _ love _ , who is it you think of?”

Louis couldn’t help but smile.  “Definitely my mom.  She’s the best and she truly is the embodiment of love and support.  She’ll just do anything she needs to be sure everyone is taken care of, you know?  And all my siblings of course.  Like, you’ve met them.  They’re loud and rowdy and overbearing, but you can’t help but spend time with them and just absolutely adore them either.”

Louis thought about the last time he’d gone over to his mom’s and how Ernie and Doris wouldn’t stop coming and petting his belly and asking him questions about how long it would be until they had another brother or sister.  He’d had so much fun explaining that it wouldn’t really be a sibling to them, but he’d eventually given up.

“That.  I need you to keep looking like that.”

Louis looked up a little, and saw Harry standing in front of him.  Louis hadn’t even noticed Harry had stopped rubbing his shoulders.

“Looking like what?”

Harry just smiled and walked back to his camera.  “Take the pose we had you in earlier, and then whatever you were just thinking of?  Think of it again.”

Louis stood with his side to the camera again, spread his hands on his tummy, and remembered how it had felt to have Ernie and Doris prodding him and asking questions.  He heard the shutter clicking, but he didn’t fully register it.

“Can you turn towards me now?  Same position, same everything.”

Louis turned, but imagined the baby growing inside him now, being the same age as the twins.  Would Louis have more?  Would he be pregnant again with another?  

“That’s perfect.  Okay, is there anything else you want to get taken now?  We will do more poses and such in the future when you have a bit more of a belly to show off, but for now I was just wanting to ge the basis for those progressive photos we talked about last week.  I wanted to be sure I didn’t miss anything you were wanting that you might have remembered since we last spoke.”

Louis shook his head and rubbed his arms.  “No, I think that’s good for this first one.  And then back in a month, right?”

Harry smiled and lifted his camera from the tripod.  “Yep!  I’ll email you some of my favorites captured later, but here, take a look at some of what I got.”

Louis walked over and could feel the warmth from Harry as he leaned over to see the previews on the viewscreen.

“I really like that one,” Harry said softly.  

Louis studied the photo and found Harry had gone with an exposure that left Louis as the focal point.  In the background was the soft green they had chosen last week as a good neutral color that still complemented Louis and the lighting has Louis looking like he was actually glowing.  His face was the definition of tenderness and the small smile lit his face, even with his head bowed so he could look at his tummy where his hands were positioned.  It was open and vulnerable and everything he had been hoping for in these photos.

“May I ask what you were thinking about?”

“The youngest twins, and what my baby would be like when they grow up to be their age.”  Louis smiled.  “And if more babies are in my future.”

Louis looked up at Harry, but he wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“That’s lovely, Louis.”

They then heard the bell indicating someone was out front needing Harry’s attention.

“I’m sorry.  Go ahead and take your time getting ready again.  I’ll be back once I have them situated.”

Harry left the small private room they had been using and Louis turned to the corner where he had stashed his things.  He pulled the shirt he had worn in back on and picked up his bag.  Looking around to be sure he hadn’t left anything, he pulled his keys and phone out of the side pocket as he left the studio and walked towards the front.

Harry was talking with a couple while their two kids ran around.  With his hands obviously busy, Louis just waved at Harry as he walked out the door and headed back home to grade some more papers.

It wasn’t until hours later that Louis realized that when Harry had asked who he thought of when he said the word  _ love _ that Nathan probably should have been the first to come to mind, but he hadn’t even been considered.  

 

XXX

 

Ever since Louis realized Nathan hadn’t come to mind at the photography studio, Louis had been trying to put a bit more emphasis on their relationship and each other.  It was hard considering how much Nathan was working, but he did his best.

They had just added another project with a close deadline, so he had three major projects all with different teams he was working on or overseeing, so it made sense.  Even so, Louis couldn’t shake the guilt he felt every time he found himself thinking about Harry’s bright green eyes, or how easy it was to talk with him and be with him, or how Louis had completely relaxed as soon as Harry had started massaging his shoulders.  It wasn’t even an erotic or sensual touch.  It was entirely calming and anchoring.  Like it helped him keep where he needed to be rather than floating around untethered.

Louis couldn’t help those little thoughts from starting, but he absolutely could stop them where they were rather than allowing them to continue.  He was completely dedicated to Nathan.  He loved him.  

Louis heaved a sigh.  The past few weeks Louis had done the best he could to show Nathan his love.  Louis loved to shower those he cared about with his affection and attention, but he could tell Nathan was getting a little frustrated.  He didn’t have much time, and Louis wanted to send him constant text messages and extra cuddles when he came home wasn’t translating well when he already felt overextended.  

Because of this, Louis felt himself falling back into the familiar pattern they’d slowly built for themselves over the past few years, hoping that was enough.

Louis himself became a bit overwhelmed as the end of the school year was coming up, so he hardly noticed when Nathan was home and when he wasn’t anyway.  Louis’ nausea didn’t really go away, but he did find himself having a little more energy when he wasn’t nauseous now that he had reached the second trimester, and that was a massive relief.  He needed every bit he could get.

The last day of school found Louis standing in his classroom, looking around, and completely at a loss as to what to do.  He really did not want to start packing up his room like he usually did, so he just locked his drawers and cabinets and walked out.  He could do it later.

He walked out to his car and decided he would grab a pint of ice cream, some baked beans, and potato chips and pig out once he got home.  He’d discovered that the baked beans and potato chips really hit the spot for him a week or so ago and they had replaced tomato soup and grilled cheese as his only truly accepted food.  Nathan looked at him like he was insane, but he wasn’t the one handling the increase of hormones and sensitivity to food and smells, so Louis ignored him.

Louis drove the few minutes to the store just down the road from the school and had just grabbed his cart, not feeling like holding a basket even for the few items he was grabbing, when he heard his name being called.

“Louis, hey!”

Louis turned around and there was Harry.  He wasn’t in his professional clothes, but was wearing the same skin tight black jeans only this time they were paired with a ratty old Rolling Stones shirt and the most ridiculous looking sunglasses he’d ever seen.

“Are you an alien?”

Harry stopped short upon hearing Louis’ question.  “I’m sorry, but...what?”

Louis laughed at his question before pointing to the sunglasses.  “Those make you look like you have bug eyes or like Willy Wonka or an alien or something.  Alien seemed most likely, though I wouldn’t count out you being a secret chocolatier either.”

“Well, I did used to be a baker,” Harry teased.  “But no, as far as I know I am not actually an alien.”

“That’s too bad,” Louis said with a smirk.  “So what kinds of essentials are you grabbing today?”

“Just some chips to take to a friend’s house for a barbecue.  What about you?”  Harry waved in front of him to allow Louis to push his cart past the entryway where they had been standing as he answered.

“Oh, the usual.  Ice cream.  Chips.  Baked beans.”

“Are you going to a barbecue as well?” Harry asked innocently, but Louis burst out laughing.

“Uh, no.  That’s just for me.  The old pregnancy cravings and all.”

Harry blushed and immediately began to apologize, his eyes wide.  “Oh God, I’m so sorry.  I really should have figured that out, but…”

“But nothing,” Louis said.  “How should you have known?  It does sound like I’m preparing for a barbecue, but it’s not nearly so exciting.  Just going to go home and prop my feet up and cry at Kleenex commercials while trying to watch the baseball game from earlier before falling asleep at something ridiculous like six.  All to celebrate the end of another school year.”

“Well, since I’m getting chips too, do you mind if I tag along?  I hate coming to the store alone.”

Louis welcomed Harry easily and they talked nonstop the entire time.  Louis found the trip taking far longer than usual, even with his sore feet, because of the fact that they kept getting distracted and telling stories before remembering they were there for something else and continuing on their way.  

Forty minutes later and Louis was finally getting back to his car, Harry standing there laughing over another story from school.

“Oh man, my mom would have given me such shit if I had ever tried that!”

“Right?” Louis agreed, dropping his bags in the trunk.  He had of course ended up with more than twice the amount he had gone in for, but he was feeding the baby now as well, so he was easily able to rationalize it.  “I would have been grounded a month for that.”

“Well thank you for letting me intrude on your shopping trip.  I’ll see you next Wednesday, right?”

Louis turned back around after closing the trunk of the car and saw Harry fiddling with his lip.  Louis couldn’t help but smile fondly at the man.  That seemed to be his natural reaction no matter the context.  Harry was around, Louis had to smile.

“Yeah, Wednesday.”  Louis patted his belly.  “I still don’t feel like I’m showing much more than last time, but it’s all for documentation or whatever, right?”

“Right.  Enjoy your night of relaxing and eating and falling asleep in front of the TV.”

“Thanks.  Enjoy your barbecue.”

Harry walked to the other side of the parking lot to his car, and Louis finally climbed into his own.  Louis totally had him firmly in the friend zone, no issues at all.

 

XXX

 

Louis sat up, breathing heavily.  He’d just had the craziest dream.  

He’d been making dinner for him and Nathan, and it looked like he was about to pop or something, but when Nathan had come in, his voice had been Harry’s.  Suddenly Louis wasn’t in his own home anymore, he was somewhere he’d never been before and Harry was cradling Louis against him as they swayed to a song that was familiar, but Louis couldn’t remember it now.  

The next thing he knew, they were having sex, and damn  _ good _ sex too, when suddenly Barry Manilow had come in with a plunger threatening to kill both of them with it if they didn’t get out of his bedroom right that minute.  When Louis had gotten up to run away, he found himself lost in a maze of a massive public restroom that had no stalls, just toilets and urinals placed randomly.  As he was trying to make his way out of the room, he tripped and woke up right before hitting the ground.

What the hell was that all supposed to mean?

Louis rolled over and found Nathan’s clock read seven and he had already gotten up.  Louis couldn’t hear him moving around the kitchen, so he had already left for work.  That was good.  Louis didn’t want to have to try to explain to him why he was so confused.

He’d just had a sex dream.  About his hot as fuck paternity photographer.  That he had to go and get half naked in front of that morning.

Louis sighed and rubbed his belly.  He was so hungry, but he already knew he didn’t want what they had for breakfast.  Maybe Nathan was still here and could grab him something really quick before work.  

“Nathan?” Louis called.  Silence was all that answered, so he knew he really was gone for the day already.  Damn.  “Guess I’ll just...figure something out.”

Louis pulled himself out of bed and took his morning piss before he noticed a sticky note in Nathan’s handwriting on his phone.

_ Good morning!  Had an early team meeting before our day of presentations today.  I’ll call you later.  Hope the photo session goes well for you. XOXO _

Louis smiled, but got frustrated when the smile was more about seeing Harry than the kind words that Nathan wrote.  What was it about that tall man with the dimples and the legs and the warm voice and observant nature that got to Louis?  Fuck, even when trying to describe him in platonic terms it didn’t work for him.  Louis needed to calm these pregnancy hormones down.  Because that’s all it was, right?  Pregnancy hormones?

Louis pulled on the pair of maternity leggings he had bought that week since his jeans were finally not fitting him anymore and a loose tunic before running his hands through his hair.  That should do for breakfast.  

Louis grabbed his wallet and phone and headed out to Bob Evans.  It was always busy with the over 60 crowd this time of day, but he didn’t mind.  He just really wanted one of their country biscuit breakfasts with some foamy hot chocolate.

Louis was lucky and found a parking spot not too far from the door and walked on in.  There was quite a wait, so he put his name in and then went to use the restroom.  Again.  The books he had read all said he wouldn’t notice an increase in trips to the toilet until the third trimester, but they all lied.  He swore he had to go every half an hour and he was only like 16 weeks in.  It was ridiculous.

Louis returned and was just settling in on a bench that had recently been vacated when he smelled oranges and mint as a warm body settled beside him.

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” Harry said, with a bump of his shoulder.  Louis turned and was caught off guard.  Harry’s hair was still a bit damp from a shower and he looked amazing.  He had a simple pale floral button up on, showing half of his chest as usual, and Louis wanted to lean into him and never move again.

“I...yeah.  Same,” Louis stumbled out.  “Who are you here with?”

Harry flushed as he looked down at his boots.  “Oh, uhm.  Here alone, actually.  Just really wanted some of their home fries.  You?  Here with your partner?”

Louis felt himself pale a little.  Why did Nathan always leave his mind whenever he was near Harry?  

Louis chuckled nervously and said, “No, actually.  He had an early meeting at work and I didn’t feel like any of the breakfast food at home, so I decided to treat me and baby to some good homestyle cooking.  Would you like to join me?”  Louis’ eyes widened at the invitation.  That was probably very unprofessional, right?  Oh God.  But they were friends, so it was okay?  Right?  Damn, his brain wasn’t fully functioning yet.

“That would be nice, actually.  I usually eat alone, so having some company would be a good change.”

Louis sighed and relaxed.  “Great.”

His phone buzzed in his pocket right then, so he pulled it out and saw a message from Nathan.

_ N: Wish me luck on this proposal!  I’m pretty nervous.  Hope you have a great day! _

Louis smiled a bit and sent a quick message back.

_ L: You’ll be great showing them...whatever it is you’re showing them today!  Haha  _

A message filled with smiley and grimacing emojis was sent back and Louis pocketed the phone again.

“He seems like a nice guy,” Harry said.

“He is,” Louis confirmed.  

Nathan  _ was _ a very nice guy.  He was always sweet and caring...but he just...Louis couldn’t even explain it.  Nathan always did all the right things and made sure that Louis knew he cared, but at the same time, Louis desired more.  Nathan was sure and dependable and a good man, but he didn’t give Louis that spark of excitement.  Louis felt like that was something that wasn’t fair for him to be complaining about though.  They’d been together for over five years, after all.  That spark wasn’t something that remained, right?  Every couple had to deal with the fact that it left and they still had to continue choosing each other.  That was part of what being devoted was.  Or something.

“Louis, party of one?” the hostess called.

“Oh,” Louis said.  “Sorry, can I change that to two?”  

He heaved himself off the bench with Harry’s help and walked towards the hostess.  He was barely showing, but his joints were acting all funny anytime he had to change positions.  He had no idea how he was going to survive the rest of this pregnancy.

“Absolutely.  Just follow me.”

Harry held his hand out, indicating Louis should go first, and even just that made Louis blush.  What was wrong with him?  It wasn’t that Nathan didn’t do that kind of thing for him, but more that just...well.  Now that Louis thought about it, Nathan didn’t do that and never had.  That must be all this was.  Harry was showing attention to him in ways Nathan hadn’t ever done and Louis just wasn’t accustomed to it.

The hostess sat them in a sunny seat right by the window and Louis smiled.  He loved being able to look out on the flowers they had planted by the sidewalk that surrounded the restaurant.

Louis didn’t make any motion to open the menu and Harry looked at him concerned.  “Everything okay?”

Louis blinked at him in confusion before he realized Harry didn’t know how a trip to Bob Evans usually went for him.

“Oh!  Yeah.  I just get the same thing every time I come.  Have since I came during exam week with classmates in high school.  I’ll be enjoying a country biscuit breakfast with home fries and a hot chocolate.”

Harry smiled at him.  “Not one for variety then?”

Louis rolled his eyes and tried to ignore the fluttering in his tummy.  Those butterflies needed to leave him alone and get with the program because this wasn’t a date.

“Usually I hate getting the same thing every time I go to a restaurant, actually, but I just really fucking love the country biscuit breakfast.”

Harry laughed louder than probably warranted, but Louis didn’t mind.  He couldn’t help the smile widening on his face in response to his laugh.  It was warm and unbridled and Louis loved it.

“That’s fair,” Harry said with a chuckle.  “The only thing I’m guaranteed to get when I come are the home fries.  But i’ll keep the biscuit breakfast in mind.”

The server came by to take their orders and was just leaving when suddenly there was knocking on the window beside them.  Louis looked over and found curly red hair surrounding a familiar and excited face. 

“Achoo!  You’re here!  Mommy, look!  It’s Achoo and Harry!”

Louis fondly waved at them and sent a concerned glance towards Harry.  Harry, for his part, seemed just as endeared and was waving heartily at Doris and Ernest, who had just joined her at the window, but Louis felt a little nervous.  What would his family think about him being here with Harry?  How would Harry feel about being pounced upon by his family?  He knew it was going to happen once they were able to get seated.

Louis forced himself to relax and not worry too much since Harry didn’t seem bothered.  He’d deal with it when the time came.  Their drinks arrived and they remained quiet as they warmed up and woke up a bit more, just enjoying being in each other’s presence.

Their food had just arrived when Louis spotted Lottie being dragged by the twins over to their table.  Louis looked past them and saw Fizzy and his mom smirking and sending winks his way, which, what the hell was that supposed to mean?  Louis would have to ask them about that later.  For now, he had to deal with five of his siblings all approaching their table.

“Achoo!  I made a bracelet!  Look at my bracelet!” Doris demanded.  “Isn’t it pretty?  Mommy said I could make one for you and the baby today.”

Louis looked down at the colored pasta on a pipe cleaner that adorned Doris’ wrist.  “Oh, that’s  _ so _ pretty, baby!  Did you make one for Mommy and Lottie too?”

Louis looked up at Lottie who rolled her eyes and held up her right arm, showing him her own bracelet Doris had custom made her.

“Yes!  I made bracelets for everyone.  But Ernie won’t wear his and it made me sad.”  Doris pouted her lips as Ernest crossed his arms and scowled at the table.

“I don’t want to wear a bracelet.  They feel yucky.”

“Hi Harry!” Phoebe said as she approached.  “Didn’t expect to see you here!”

Louis tried his best to hold in a chuckle, but he couldn’t help it.  Phoebe and Daisy both looked to be blushing and trying to flirt with Harry who was doing his best to be cordial back without laughing.  They weren’t being subtle in their affections, but neither was he in denying them, really.

“What are you doing here with him?” Lottie whispered while the others were distracted by Harry.  “Where’s Nathan?”

Louis looked to make sure Harry wasn’t paying any attention when Louis said, “He’s at work, not that it’s any of your business!  Harry and I didn’t plan this, we just both showed up here for breakfast on our own and decided to eat with each other for company.  Is that a problem?”

Lottie rolled her eyes.  “Whatever.  He’s hot, so lucky you.”

Doris tapped Louis on the shoulder and got in his face to reclaim his attention.  “Achoo.  Achoo!”

“Yes, Dory?”

Doris put her hands on Louis’ cheeks and very solemnly said, “When can I meet your baby?  I want to make your baby a bracelet too.”

Louis smiled as much as her little hands would allow and said, “She’ll be here soon enough, darling.  Another few months is all.”

Lottie then dragged them over to where their mom and Fizzy had been seated leaving Harry and Louis to themselves again.

“Sorry about that,” Louis laughed.  “They can be a lot, as I’m sure you know.”

Harry smiled.  “It’s really no problem.  So, your baby’s a girl?”

Louis blushed.  He hadn’t even realized his slip.  “I mean, maybe?”  He chuckled.  “I keep accidentally calling the baby a girl, but we won’t find out for another two weeks.  We couldn’t get an earlier date with the ultrasound tech.”  Louis shrugged.  “Mom was also sure I was going to be a girl and here I am, so I could definitely be wrong.”

Harry let out another cackle at that, and Louis squirmed in his seat.  He was more pleased about making Harry laugh that he probably should be.

“Well.  I’m excited for you to find out either way.”

Louis smiled softly.  “Me too.”

The rest of breakfast had Harry and Louis chatting back and forth about any random thing that popped into their heads, including at one point a rant about whether the Scarlet Letter should be required reading for High Schoolers when it is by far one of the most odious books Louis has ever had to force himself to read.

They finished their meals and found it was already 8:30 once they had paid.

“Well.  Looks like it’s time for my first appointment of the morning,” Harry said with a teasing smile.  “Can’t keep them waiting, can I?”

Louis laughed.  “Absolutely not.  I hope they aren’t too annoying or overly demanding for you.”

Harry smiled softly at Louis as he said, “Definitely not.  They’re one of my current favorites, actually.”

Louis tried his very best to ignore the warmth blooming in his stomach upon hearing Harry say that.  “Careful, I don’t think you’re supposed to play favorites with your customers.”

Harry just shrugged.  “Just telling the truth.  I’ll see you in a few minutes, Louis.”

Louis waved as he climbed into his car and leaned his head on the steering wheel.  He was so fucked.

 

XXX

 

Louis let himself into his mom’s house and dropped his bag.  Why was he always so tired after those photoshoots?  “Who’s home?”

He knew most everyone was out at the moment, only one of the four cars that usually sat in the driveway were present and the house was near silent.

“I am!  In the laundry room!”

Louis rolled his eyes.  “You’re always in the laundry room,” he teased.  “That or the kitchen.”

“Hush,” his mom laughed as he walked to the room next to the garage.  “You try keeping six kids and two adults in clean clothes and fed.  See if you ever find yourself elsewhere.”

“No thanks,” Louis said as he gave her a hug.  “I’ll stick with one for now.”

“Mmhmm.”  Jay smirked at Louis before turning back to the washing machine.  “So, it looked like you and Harry were having a nice time over breakfast.”

Louis knew she’d call him out on that, but he wasn’t ready for her to cut the chase.

“Yeah, you were right.  He’s great,” Louis said as generically as he could.  He didn’t want to have to get into the fact that against his will his stomach constantly does flip flops around him or that their breakfast felt more like a date than anything he and Nathan had done together for years.  He wasn’t ready to admit that to himself quite yet, much less his mom.

She continued sorting the clothes between the dryer and the drying rack behind her as she said, “So how does he get along with Nathan?”

Louis bit the inside of his cheek.  “Uhm, they haven’t actually met yet.”

Jay paused what she was doing and looked at Louis.  “He hasn’t gone with you for the photos?”

Louis shook his head.  “Not yet.  He’s been really busy at work.  We’ve barely seen each other.  He doesn’t really have time to come in and observe the photoshoots, but he’s going to for sure join us around October or November to get some of the later photos where I have more of a belly together.  We are hoping to also incorporate him in a couple photos if he can make it for July’s, but it depends on his schedule.”

His mom studied his face and stood up straight, hand on her hip and ready to fight if Louis didn’t give her the information she was wanting right off.  He knew that stance well.

“Lou.  Is everything okay with you and Nathan?”

“Yeah,” Louis said, not convincing even himself.  “I mean.  I think so?”  He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  “I don’t see him much, but outside of that I think we’re okay.  We’re just kinda doing what we’ve been doing for the past couple years and seeing each other as often as we can at home and occasionally watching a movie together or whatever.”

Jay walked over to Louis and put her hands on his shoulders.  She met his eyes before she said, “That’s fine, sweetie, but is he taking care of you the way you need?”

Louis opened his mouth to defend Nathan when she shook her head and covered his lips with a finger in the shushing motion.

“I’m not attacking him or you.  I’m just saying I know what it’s like, being pregnant the first time and unexpectedly too.  I know how hard it is to do it by yourself and without the kind of support that you need and crave.  I’m not saying he isn’t supporting you.  I know he is in his own way, but is he taking care of you how you need to be taken care of?”

Louis took a breath to respond once she lifted her hand from his mouth, but he considered it a bit more.  Thinking of it that way, he honestly wasn’t sure.  What was it that he needed?  What was it that he wanted?  Louis wasn’t even sure.  He’d been so worried about not falling into a crush with Harry and keeping his and Nathan’s relationship strong even with these massive changes that had been thrust upon them that he hadn’t really considered what he himself needed.  Maybe that was why he was so tired all the time.

Louis looked back up into his mom’s eyes and he honestly said, “I don’t know.”

She smiled softly at him and said, “Just think about it for me, okay?”

Louis nodded and let her get back to folding laundry.  He definitely kept his promise and thought about that question for the rest of the day.

 

XXX

 

“Lou, I don’t understand why you’re so insistent on my coming with you,” Nathan complained as he pulled on a pair of socks.  “I was really hoping to get to bed early tonight, babe.  I’m so tired.”

Louis rolled his eyes.  “Because I haven’t been out with my friends in ages and I want someone else to stay sober with me since everyone else will be drinking,” Louis explained again.  “We don’t have to stay long.  It’s also been forever since we’ve hung out like this together.  I don’t even remember the last time we did!”

That made Nathan stop and think.  “Shit.  You’re right.  I think the last time was New Years at Zayn’s.  And isn’t he dating someone new?”

“Yeah,” Louis confirmed.  “He’s sent a few photos, but I’ve not met him yet.  Though they aren’t really new anymore.  They’ve been together almost three months now!” 

“Shit.  I’ve been neglecting everyone, especially you.  I’m so sorry.  I’m the worst boyfriend ever.”  Nathan still was frozen, halfway to getting his second shoe on as he realized exactly how wrapped up in work he had been.  “My work life balance seriously needs to be re-evaluated.”

Louis felt a bit uncomfortable hearing Nathan say that.  It reminded him of what his mom had said last week about the kind of attention and support he deserved.  He of course understood and believed her but had ultimately decided that he would wait and see if when work calmed down a little for Nathan if things changed.  

Changed how, he wasn’t sure.  Nathan really was very sweet, but Louis wanted him around more.  Maybe this was going to be what finally got it into Nathan’s head that he was working too much.  Louis should be happy, this could ultimately make everything so much easier and better for Louis.  He could get more time with his partner and feel like he’s just as excited about the baby as Louis is.  Nathan always  _ said _ how happy he was, but Louis sometimes just wanted him to  _ show _ him.  Then again, it’s been five years now.  Louis knew Nathan wasn’t really the type to show his love, he was always one who spoke it.  

Whatever the case may be, why was Louis feeling uncomfortable about this?  Shouldn’t he be happy? Louis startled out of his thoughts when he felt a touch on his elbow.  He looked into Nathan’s brown eyes and found them filled with amusement at Louis zoning out.  Again.

“Babe, you ready?  Sorry was whining so much.  You’re right, as always.  Let’s go hang out with our friends.”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

The pub they were meeting everyone at was just around the corner from their place, so they walked.  

“God, it’s so hot and it’s nine!” Louis complained as he pulled the neck of his super soft and stretchy blue shirt away from his neck.  He should have gone with a scoop neck.  He had found he much preferred them now that he was constantly hot and swollen, thanks to being halfway through his pregnancy and the heat late June always brings.

“Yeah, feels like it’s going to rain,” Nathan said as he looked to the sky.  “Doesn’t look it though.”

Louis hummed in agreement before opening the door to the pub and sighing in relief as the air conditioning washed over him.  Shit, he really hoped he didn’t have pit stains just from the walk over.  

“Louis!” Zayn cheered, clearly already having drank enough to be tipsy.  He wrapped Louis in his arms before Louis could even get past the entrance so Nathan could fully enter.  “And Nathan!  Oh my God, I haven’t seen you in ages!”

Louis giggled as Zayn squeezed Nathan so hard he almost turned purple.  “I love you two soo much.  Why don’t I see you more often?”

“We all got busy when we graduated college, I guess,” Nathan said with a laugh.

Zayn pulled back, but kept his hands on Nathan’s shoulders.  He considered him thoughtfully before saying,  “You’re right.  You are absolutely right.  Fuck, we need to get less busy.  I need to see you more.”

Nathan nodded in mock seriousness and glanced at Louis, who was barely keeping his laughter in.  Zayn was now squishing Nathan’s cheeks when Louis heard his name being called.  He turned around and found, to his surprise, Harry.  Shit.  He had seen him three times in the past week, all at random places all around town.  How did this keep happening only now?  

“Harry, hi,” Louis smiled as he walked closer to where he was seated.  “What brings you here?”

“Zayn, actually,” Harry said with a curious smile.  “Well, mostly his boyfriend.”

Louis’ eyebrows shot up in surprise.  “You know Zayn?”

Harry nodded and gestured towards the restrooms.  “Yeah, his boyfriend’s my best friend, so we’ve been seeing a lot of each other the past several months.  He’s actually really nervous to meet you, so go easy on him if you would.”

Louis scoffed.  “Excuse you!  Are you implying I would be anything other than the most sweet and lovely?”

Harry let out a laugh that was more of a bark or a honk that caused his entire face to scrunch up as he leaned forward with the force of it.  Louis shouldn’t have found it as endearing as he did, but it made him smile and giggle a little in response.

“I’m so sorry.  That was not meant to happen.”

“What he meant to say was that happens all the time, don’t listen to the lies he’s telling you right now.”

Louis looked up and found a broad shouldered man with the kindest eyes Louis had ever seen.  He immediately liked him, and it wasn’t only because he looked like he could be David Beckham’s son.

“Hi.  I’m Liam.”

Louis grasped Liam’s hand in his and shook it.  “Hi, Liam.  It’s so great to finally meet you.  I’m Louis.”

“Liam!  Liam my love, meet my people!” Zayn said with a laugh as he tried to fall into Liam’s arms with his hand still clamped on Nathan’s bicep.  “They are my people and have been ever since college.  I love them, Liam.  Not like I love you, but I do love them.”

“I know you do, babe,” Liam said with a laugh.  “Hi, Nathan.  It’s great to finally meet you too.”

Everyone sat down around the table.  They were still getting situated when Harry nudged Louis’ foot with his and he said quietly, “You look very nice tonight.”

Louis blushed.  “Uhm.  Thanks.”  God, why was that compliment causing fizzy bubbles to start racing through his bloodstream?  

“Maybe you should wear that when you bring Nathan to your photoshoot in a couple weeks.  I think it would be gorgeous with the background you liked.”

The bubbles that had been racing through him all popped as he heard Harry say that.  Of course he was only complimenting Louis and thinking of him in a professional way.  Why shouldn’t he?  Louis really needs to pull his head out of his ass and get over this crush before it really starts to hurt his actual relationship.

Louis smiled as best he could.  “Yeah, I’ll definitely think about it.”

Nathan was already involved in a deep discussion with Liam, because it turned out they worked in the same field, but whereas Nathan was primarily on projects and development, Liam was on a team that actively sought out the clients.  Louis was bored with their conversation and Zayn was drinking straight vodka and damn.  No wonder he was gone already.

“What’s up with Zayn?” Louis asked Harry.  “Is there a reason he’s drinking so hard so early?”

Harry laughed.  “Nah.  He was on a self imposed alcohol ban because of some stupid bet with a guy at work?  Something about who could last longer without it.  Anyway, the other guy finally caved, so he’s making up for lost time or something like that.”

Louis cackled.  “Oh my God, it was with Niall, wasn’t it?  Niall’s always putting him up to stupid shit like that.”

Harry’s eyes brightened when Louis mentioned Niall.  “Yeah!  That’s his name!”

“Niall fucking lied!” Zayn said indignantly.  “He was drinking almost every weekend and lying about it and I only just found out!”

Liam patted Zayn sympathetically on his shoulder.  “It’s okay, babe.  I’m sure the time off was good for you, anyway.”

Zayn shrugged and pouted a little before leaning his head on Liam’s shoulder.  “I just missed it.”

“Well I’m going to go get myself a Guinness.”  Nathan stood up and put his hand on Louis’ shoulder.  “Lou, you want a Coke or a Sprite or something?  And how about you, Harry?”

“Sprite, please,” Louis said with a cheesy smile.  His stomach was actually pretty settled tonight, but he didn’t want to take any chances.

“Oh, you don’t have to get me anything,” Harry said.  “I can come and get myself a drink.”

Harry was standing up when Nathan waved his hands at him to sit back down.  “Come on.  Let me get it for you.  New friendship and all.”

Harry blushed as he peeked over at Louis before saying, “Uh, okay.  I’ll take a Sex on the Beach, but could you make sure they go light on the vodka?  Last time we came here they were really heavy handed and it doesn’t take much for me.”

“Sure thing.  I’ll be right back.”  Nathan squeezed Louis’ shoulder a bit before walking away and Louis smiled as his eyes followed him to the bar.  

“He seems really nice,” Harry said.

Louis nodded his head before turning to look at Harry.  “So, how did you decide to go into photography?  You told me about family photography, but what got you started with it at all?”

Harry smiled wistfully.  “My grampa, actually.”  Harry paused as he traced the grain of the wood on the tabletop for a minute.  “He fought in World War Two, ya know?  And he had a really rudimentary camera.  He sent back as many photos as he could.  I grew up looking at those pictures and having him talk about the people he met and the cities he saw, always focused on the good rather than the horrors of the war.  He told me there’s always beauty to be found and challenged me to find it.”

Harry looked up and met Louis’ gaze before he continued.  “At first I loved doing that with things like old barns.  Go and find the beauty in those dilapidated buildings, but as I got older I found I loved nature.  I enjoyed going and getting the perfect shot of an animal or a plant others might have overlooked.  That’s what I was really wanting to specialize in before...well, before everything I told you before.”

Louis smiled and said thank you to Nathan as he set their drinks down in front of them.  

“So is your grampa proud of what you’re doing now?”

Harry smiled sadly and took a sip of his drink.  “I hope so.  He died my junior year of high school.  That’s why I was looking at our family photos in the first place.  So in a way, he inspired my change in focus as well.  So yeah, I hope he is.”

Louis reached his hand out and gripped Harry’s forearm.  “I’m sorry, Harry.  But i’m sure he is.  You bring such joy to people with your photos.”

“Thank you.”

“Oh!  You’re a photographer?” Nathan asked and Louis shouldn’t have felt as surprised as he was at his joining their conversation.  They were all sitting at the same table after all, and Nathan was right beside him.

The sadness that had tinged his features slid away as Harry smiled a little brighter (although...was Louis imagining it, or did it also look a bit forced?) and turned Nathan.

“Yeah, I am.  I’m actually the photographer doing Louis’ paternity shots.”

Nathan’s jaw dropped open.  “Oh shit, that’s you?”  Nathan swatted at Louis playfully and said, “Why didn’t you tell me?  Harry, you are so good!  We both absolutely  _ love _ the photos you’ve taken so far!”

“Sorry!” Louis laughed.  “But yes, he’s the photographer.  And he’ll be taking photos of you too in a few weeks, if you can make it.”

“Fuck, when was that again?  I totally forgot about that.  It’s not the second week of July, is it?”

Louis watched as Nathan scrolled through his phone.  “It is, yeah.  The 10th, I think?”

“Babe, I’m sorry.  I can’t do it anymore.  I have to go out to California for a presentation at a conference that week.”

Louis smiled a little weakly.  “That’s okay.  Work’s important.  You can join us for August’s or something.”

“Thank you for understanding.  I really am sorry.  I totally forgot.”

Louis tried to ignore the fact that he didn’t feel surprised or disappointed.  He had somewhat expected something like this to happen, as work had been encroaching on their time together and focusing on the baby for the past several months.  Louis also didn’t want to think about what it might mean that he himself wasn’t that sad about it.  If he did, he might start thinking about what that could imply for his future and their relationship, and honestly he wasn’t prepared to go there right now.

Louis pasted a smile on his face and said, “Yeah.  Course.”

 

XXX

 

“Babe, I’m so sorry.  I can’t get away.  My boss literally forbade me from leaving,” Nathan said through the phone.  

Louis pinched the bridge of his nose and tried not to cry.  “Nate, I know, okay.  I get it.  But this is the big day.”  Louis looked up at the office that held his OB/GYN and rubbed his belly.  “We are finally finding out if it’s a boy or a girl and you really should be here for this.  Didn’t you tell your boss about the appointment ahead of time?”

Louis heard silence, not even a sigh or the excuse he was expecting.  That was more telling than anything.

“Nathan Alexander, you  _ did _ ask for this afternoon off as soon as I told you about the appointment being made, right?”  Nathan still didn’t say anything.  Anger rose up and overpowered his sadness he felt at having to experience this incredible moment all alone.  “You know what?  Fine.  Fuck you.  Obviously me and the baby aren’t enough of a priority to you to remember to ask for a few hours off so you can see our fucking baby yourself, so you go back to your projects and your teams and I’ll just go in there alone and have this incredible experience without you!”

Louis jabbed at the red button on his screen to end the call and wished he still had his old flip phone from high school so he could get some satisfaction from hanging up on him.  

“Damn it!” Louis whispered with as much force as he could as he kicked at a rock.  He covered his face and took a few deep breaths.  “It’s okay.  It’s okay,” he told himself.  He did a few more breathing exercises before he felt like he had himself a little more under control, and then he walked into the building.  

He had to wipe a few tears away as he stepped onto the elevator and rode it to the third floor, but hopefully his eyes weren’t too red.  By the time he had been weighed, had his blood pressure read, and peed in the cup, he had calmed down enough to focus on the fact that he’d get to see his baby again today.  It had been several months and last time the baby hadn’t even really looked like a baby yet.  He couldn’t wait to see it again and finally be able to start thinking of baby names.

Nathan was getting zero vetoing power over names after pulling this shit, though.

He sat anxiously in his paper robe and tried to interest himself in the charts and diagrams all over the walls, but really all they did was make him feel paranoid about all the things that could go wrong with a male pregnancy, and he put his hand down to rub his belly.

“I should be able to start feeling you soon, little one,” he whispered down towards his little bump.  “I can’t wait to be able to know you’re alive and kicking in there.”

“Good afternoon, Louis.  I’m Samantha and will be your ultrasound technician today.  Are you ready to see your baby?”

“Yes.  Oh my God, yes.”

The young blonde nurse smiled at him before pulling the cart over closer to the bed.  “Do you have any questions or concerns before we get started?”

Louis shook his head and leaned back.  “Nope, I’m just excited to finally see them again.”

Samantha smiled kindly at him and pulled his paper gown up to reveal his belly.  “I’m just going to move your boxers down a bit more and tuck a towel in so hopefully we won’t get any of the jelly on them.  That just gets cold and yucky.”

Louis laughed a little.  “Yeah, thanks.  I appreciate that.”

“Now this has been warming up, so hopefully it won’t be too much of a shock for you,” she warned right before she squirted some on his belly.  

He couldn’t stop the slight shock of it hitting hi from making him jump a bit, but it did feel nice and warm.   She flipped on the screen and put a cover on the ultrasound wand before touching it to Louis’ belly.

“Okay, first I’m just going to be checking everything out, to make sure things look okay and everything is where it should be,” she spoke as Louis craned his head to look over at the screen and see what she saw.  “Okay, the sac looks like it’s placed well and we aren’t having any troubles with the cord, so that’s great news.  Next I’m going to take some measurements and I’ll try to point things out as I look and make sure the hands and feet and all of that good stuff is where it should be.”

Samantha narrated everything she did from inspecting the baby’s heart to measuring the head and taking an approximate weight.  Louis was entirely taken in.  It was amazing what modern technology could show when you knew what to look for.

“And now, the big reveal.  You want to know gender, is that right?”

Louis nodded his head so fast it made the paper beneath him crinkle.  “Yes.  Yes, please.”

Samantha smiled.  “Do you have any guesses?”

“I’ve had a feeling it’s a girl, but my mom was wrong with almost all of us, so I’m prepared for either.”

Her eyes brightened at that.  “You were right.  It’s a girl.  Congratulations!”  She took a still shot and explained to him what he was looking at before printing several more photos for him.

He honestly was a bit lost after that.  He didn’t hear anything more she said, he was in such a state of awe.  

A girl.  He was going to have a daughter.  Oh God, he had a precious baby girl inside of him, growing and forming, and heart beating and everything.  

Samantha passed him some tissues as she did a cursory wipe down of Louis’ abdomen and shut down the machine.

“Take all the time you need in getting dressed again.  Doctor Vora will see you again in a few weeks for your usual check up.  And Louis?”  

Louis looked up into her eyes again for the first time since she’d give him the news.

“Congratulations, again.”

 

XXX

 

Nathan ended up being sent directly from California to England after his presentation, not even allowing him to stay for the rest of his conference.  It was a massive success and was apparently changing something about something in his field.  Louis was a bit fuzzy, honestly, because all he knew was he was definitely in need of a cuddle and he had started getting these shooting pains through his groin and sometimes down the back of his leg that supposedly are normal during the second trimester.

Fuck normal.

Louis also had a massive migraine and he wasn’t allowed to take his normal migraine medicine because that’s bad for the baby and, yes, the flowers Nathan sent were nice, but Louis didn’t want flowers.  He wanted his body to stop hurting and someone he could complain to in person rather than via text.

Louis put on sunglasses after slipping on a pair of paternity shorts and his favorite sleeveless shirt because, sue him, even his underwear was uncomfortable right now so he wasn’t going to hang around his house wearing clothes if he didn’t have to, and headed out to the store to get some caffeine.  The doctor had assured him that, as long as he didn’t do it on a regular basis, to help combat his migraines he could up his caffeine intake occasionally, so that’s exactly what he planned to do.

He was debating as to whether he should just do an old fashioned soda or whether he should splurge and go to Starbucks when his phone vibrated.

_ Harry Photography: Are you still planning on coming for your session today?  Just wanted to make sure you’re okay since you aren’t here yet. _

Shit.  Louis had completely forgotten about that.  Today was Thursday, wasn’t it?

_ Louis: I am so sorry!  I totally forgot.  Is it too late for me to come in like an hour? _

If Louis worked it right, he could go fix his hair and grab the clothes he had planned on wearing for the photos this month  _ and _ still have time to grab a coffee from Starbucks on his way.

_ Harry Photography: Yeah, that works!  The appointment after you cancelled, so that’s fine.  Glad you’re okay! _

Louis turned right back around from the garage of his building and walked back to his apartment.  In a stroke of luck, the photography session clothes were all clean, so he changed quickly and grabbed the one or two other items he was planning on using before calling his mom while he styled his hair.

“Hi, Boo!  What’s up?”

“Moooommmm,” Louis whined as he worked pomade through his hair to give it the slightly messy, chunky look he liked when wearing his fringe down.  “I hurt all over and I have a migraine and Nate is still gone and I’m late for my photography appointment.  Can you please come with me and tell me I don’t look like shit even if I do?”

Jay tutted at him over the phone when he cursed and he rolled his eyes before gathering his keys to leave again.

“Of course you don’t look bad, lovely.  I can’t be there for another half an hour though.  Lotts is out with the car at the store for me.  She’s just grabbing a few things so I can tell her to come straight home if you’d like.”

Louis sighed in relief.  He didn’t know why but he just really felt like he wanted her presence there with him today.  It was supposed to be Nathan, but they could put that photoshoot off until next month.  Louis was just to the point where he felt bloated all the time and like his body wasn’t really his own at all and he was tired and sore and sometimes a guy just really needed his mom.

“Yes.  Thank you so much.”

“Of course.  I’ll see you as soon as I can get there.”

Louis got into his car, only groaning a little.  God.  The doctor said the ligaments around his groin and abdomen would be loosening and could be painful over the next few weeks, but this is seriously bad.  Louis breathed deeply and rubbed his lower belly until the pain lessened to a dull ache again before driving off.  He had just enough time to get his iced latte before getting to Harry’s right when he said he would.

Louis tried to ignore the butterflies that were picking up in his stomach as he parked.  He had no idea why he was feeling so anxious or excited or whatever the feeling was he was experiencing, but he needed it to stop.  It felt like the beginnings of a crush and that was ridiculous.

Well.  Ridiculous might be the wrong word, but it wasn’t okay.  He could admire that Harry was a beautiful person in every way, but he had to ignore that he also awakened a desire in Louis to pursue him.

As soon as Louis opened the door and saw Harry’s face brighten up when he saw it was Louis though, his body rebelled and those butterflies began to go crazy.  Louis also may have smiled back without meaning to, but he was just being nice.  Or something.

“Glad you’re okay, I was getting worried when I hadn’t heard anything and you were so late!  That’s not very like you,” Harry said as he rounded the reception desk.  He stopped right in front of Louis and his green eyes studied Louis’ face before his happy look dropped and he started to study Louis’ body as if something was wrong.

“What?” Louis asked, feeling nervous in a bad way now.  He didn’t like it.  He’d much prefer the happy butterflies return, if he had the choice.

“What’s wrong?  Is everything okay?” Harry asked, almost rushed.  He put his hands on Louis shoulder and guided him to the back where the studio was waiting for them.  “You look like something’s off.  Is everything alright with the baby?  Are you okay?”

Louis just looked at Harry in wonder.  How the hell could he tell that something was wrong just from looking at Louis?  Not even Nathan had mastered that after all these years.

“How did you know?” Louis asked, sounding probably a little more awestruck than was strictly necessary.  “I’ve got a migraine and my sciatica is apparently acting up and ligaments are loosening and it all fucking hurts, but...how?”

Louis wiped away a few tears that had slipped out, because of course they had, and Harry just shrugged as he bit his lip and avoided eye contact with Louis.

“Your eyes weren’t crinkling.”

Louis blinked.  “I’m sorry, what?”

Harry walked to the side where his camera and tripod were sitting and focused on setting them up as he spoke a little more clearly.  “When you smile, like,  _ really _ smile?  Your eyes crinkle.  You kinda have a glow about you when you are happy.  Or at peace.  Or something.  But your eyes didn’t crinkle when you smiled, so I just...yeah.”

Louis felt the butterflies die down and a warmth washed over him instead.  How was this man real?  Louis stood and watched Harry go about the rest of his set up routine, totally lost in his thoughts of  _ wow _ and  _ he’s so amazing _ and  _ I wish Nathan could read me like that, _ when a flash went off and he was thrown out of his thoughts.

“Why would you do that without warning?”  Louis was totally shocked.  Harry had never done that before, and Louis wasn’t posing, or at least he didn’t think he was.

Harry just shrugged again, this time with a blush on his cheeks too.  “You just looked perfect.  That soft, fond look I’d been trying to get you to make the past few sessions was finally there, and your hand was so softly positioned on your belly.  I had to do it while I could.”

Louis’ heart began to race.  He’d...he’d made that soft and loving look?  While looking at and thinking about Harry?  He hadn’t meant to!  What did that mean?  Oh God, was he cheating on Nathan just by being emotionally connected enough to Harry to make his fond face when looking at him and thinking about him?

Then, Louis felt a little flutter in his belly.  This one was different from the butterflies earlier, but it was definitely a movement.  Louis looked down at his belly and moved his hand to where he’d felt it.

“Oh my God,” he said softly, as he pressed down.  “Was that…?”

And then it happened again, but further down.  Louis looked up at Harry, who was frozen behind the camera still, watching Louis closely.

“Harry, I just felt her move, I think!”  Louis was crying again now, but he’d never felt her before.  They were just soft flutters of movement, and there were only two or three of them, but holy shit he’d never felt so happy before.  “Harry!  I felt her!”

Harry’s eyes were wide and his smile broad as he quickly moved from behind the camera and wrapped Louis in a big hug.  Louis lifted his arms to wrap around his neck and clung tightly.  The warmth he’d felt due to Harry’s words increased until he felt completely wrapped in every way by Harry, and for the first time since he had found out about being pregnant, Louis felt safe.  Like he had been floating and trying to make his way back down to the ground, and only now had he finally made it.

Louis tucked his face into Harry’s shoulder and allowed himself to cry out all of his fear and frustration and happiness that had been building inside of him as he basked in this amazing moment where he finally truly felt like he was happy about this pregnancy.  He’d been happy to meet his baby and excited to learn more about her and every appointment where he heard her heartbeat or got to see her on the ultrasound of course had helped him bond with her more, but it had still felt surreal.  Like maybe it was all a bit hoax and people were messing with him, but now?  Feeling her like this?  It was finally real.

Louis finally calmed down and noticed that Harry was gently rocking him while rubbing his back a little and making soft hushing sounds.

“Sorry,” Louis whispered as he pulled back a little.  

“Louis!  Is everything okay?!”

Louis turned towards his mom and saw Jay rushing in looking concerned.  

“What’s going on, baby?  Are you hurt?  Is the baby hurt?”

Louis pulled the rest of the way out of Harry’s arms so he could show her he was okay.  “No!  Nothing like that.  I just, I felt her move, mom!”

Jay stopped and looked at Louis in the eyes, her own shining with tears now.

“Oh, my sweet baby,” she whispered.  Jay moved forward and gently rubbed his belly as she took her turn in wrapping her arms around Louis.  He leaned over and into her embrace, so much smaller, but just as warm and soothing as Harry’s.  “That first time is magical, isn’t it?”

Louis nodded, pulling back and smiling.  His back twinged again, but he hardly noticed.  He just felt so totally and entirely loved, and it was then he realized this was a feeling he’d been missing for awhile now.  He didn’t have time to think about it right now, but  _ that? _  That seemed pretty important, so he really should later.

The photoshoot went off without any issues once Louis’ eyes weren’t red anymore, and it was the fastest they’d had.  They did a couple shirtless poses just like they  had been from the beginning as well as a few with the blue shirt he wore every time to show the progress of the pregnancy, and then added a few of the other outfits.  Now that he was showing more prominently, they decided they would do a few outfits every month to make sure they were really showing Louis and baby girl through the entire pregnancy journey.

Once they finished and Harry had to leave for a lunch meeting with a potential client, Louis walked down the sidewalk with Jay, his thoughts veering back to the feeling that he’d been so filled with earlier.  

“Where are you, love?” Jay asked, her hand reaching out for Louis’.

Louis gripped her hand and swung their arms around as he tried not to waddle already.  He wasn’t far along enough to waddle, in his opinion, but damn was he tempted today.  At least his migraine wasn’t as bad now.

“Just thinking.”

Jay stopped him and made him turn towards her.  “Lou, come on.  Talk to me, because I have some things I want to say, but I need to know where you are first.”

“Don’t you always have something to say?” Louis teased and she swatted his arm.

“I do, because I’m your mother and that’s how it should be!  Now tell me.  What’s going on in that head and what does it have to do with Harry?”

Louis just searched his mom’s face.  It was so open and beautiful and sometimes he just had to wonder at how he came from such an incredible woman.  

“Am I that easy to read?”

Jay smirked.  “You are to me, because you’re my son.  Just say it, Lou.  It’s hot and you hurt and I want to get you home, but I have to speak my piece first.”

Louis rolled his eyes and nodded towards the parking lot across the street.  “Let’s at least talk in the car while the air conditioning kicks on.”

They make their way across the street and once they are situated in Louis’ car, Jay turns to him and just gives him her “Mom look” and Louis knows it’s time to just fill her in.

“Harry just...he just gets me, Mom.  Like, he knew just by looking at me when I walked in that something was wrong.  He didn’t know what it was, but he  _ knew! _  Not even Nate can do that, and Harry’s only met me a handful of times?  Like, what is with that?  And then!  On top of that, it’s like he knows what I need in any moment?  Like, he’ll massage my shoulders when I’m getting too tight and stressed and hurting and he’ll hug me when something exciting happens and doesn’t mind when I cry on him and he asks the right questions and he just…”  Louis shook his head in exasperation at his mom.  He finally gathers his thoughts, but doesn’t have the courage to say it loudly, just on a whisper.  “He made me feel more loved after I’d been there for ten minutes than Nathan has made me feel in the past year, and that scares me.”

Jay studied him and rubbed his hand.  She had a tentative look on her face and finally said slowly, “Has Nathan ever made you feel loved and understood in the way that Harry does?”

Louis opened his mouth to respond, but he closed it again before he could say anything.  Had he?  Louis thought back to the beginning of their relationship and how high and happy and excited Louis felt about it beginning and then it was like flashes of his life were going through his mind.  The first time they slept together, the first time they said I love you, when they decided to move in together.  All of them were filled with an affection and closeness that Louis had enjoyed, but nothing, not any of it, was filled with a memory of a feeling that could compare with how he feels around Harry.

Louis’ eyes widened and tears filled them as he looked at his mom.  “What does this mean?”

Jay pulled him in for a hug.  “That’s what I wanted to tell you, but I had to be sure you were ready to hear it.”  Louis breathed in her scent of brown sugar and spring flowers that she always had no matter what.  “Louis, love...I think...just in the little bit I saw of you and Harry at Bob Evans and then today at his studio, I felt more of a connection between the two of you than I  _ ever _ saw between you and Nathan.  I know you’ve been worried that you’re feeling something with Harry that you somehow lost with Nathan because you two haven’t been putting the effort forth with your relationship or whatever the hell it is you’re thinking, but baby?  I know it’s scary to consider, but I don’t think you’ve lost anything with Nathan because I don’t think you had it in the first place.”

Louis’ heart hurt, because deep down he was pretty sure she was right.  But he did love Nathan, so where did that leave him now?  He couldn’t just break up with him when they’d been together for so long and had a baby on the way and...fuck.  Why was this all happening now?

“Louis?  Look at me once more.”  Louis pulled back from her hug and looked into her loving blue eyes that matched his own.  “Don’t feel like you have to make a decision about this right now, okay?  I just need you thinking about this, because I know it can take you awhile to process things.  Think about it, think about what it means  _ for you _ and then decide what is best for you and for the baby, okay?  Make sure you are putting yourself and that child first, because that’s what you deserve.”

Louis nodded.  Jay leaned forward and kissed his cheek before opening her car door.  

“Now go home and lay down and drink lots of fluids.  Take care of yourself, okay?”

“Yeah.  Love you, Mom.”

“Love you too, Boo.”

 

XXX

 

August was the worst month.  It was pointless and horrible and should just die.

“Don’t you think you’re being a bit over dramatic, even for you?” Nathan teased.

Louis huffed a sigh as he pulled his feet down from where they were propped on the pillows in an attempt to bring down the swelling.  He was almost to his third trimester, and it was showing.  The shooting pains of last month had tapered off to constant dull aches and his feet were swollen more often than they weren’t.  He could only wear a couple pairs of swimmers sandals he stole from Tommy these days because he couldn’t guarantee that he’d be able to shove his feet into any other shoes.  He felt fat, bloated, annoying, and stupid because he couldn’t remember a single fucking thing for longer than five minutes.

“Yes.  I am.  I know I am, but it’s like I can’t even help it,” Louis whined.  “I didn’t even realize I’d said that out loud, that’s how bad this is.”

Nathan held his hands out to help Louis off of the couch and squeezed his shoulder in a way that felt so good Louis’ head tipped forward.  “Shit, yes.  Please, keep doing that.  It feels so good.”

Nathan turned Louis so he could reach both shoulders and began to massage them both, causing Louis to groan.  

“Can’t do this for too long or we’ll be late for the pictures,” Nathan reminded.

“I don’t want to go out in the fucking heat again.  It’ll kill me this time,” Louis said.

Nathan laughed.  “Whatever.  Come on, I got the day off so we could do this and I really want to!  I think it will be really cool to have photos of us with the baby before and after she’s here.”

Louis smiled softly.  “Yeah.  Me too.”

Louis had been thinking about his discussion with his mom from the last photoshoot for the past month, and ultimately still hadn’t come to any solid decisions on what to do.  He just hoped he would before the baby was born, because he felt in his gut that once she was here, it was too late.  Louis rubbed his belly and looked at it consideringly.

“Well.  I guess we should go.”

It didn’t take long for them to get to Harry’s studio and when they walked in, Harry’s face lit up as it always did when he saw Louis but went a bit flat when he saw Nathan in tow.

“Hi!  Ready for the family all to be together on the camera?”

Louis couldn’t help but feel weird having the three of them referred to as a family.  He knew technically they were, but they didn’t  _ feel _ like what he associated with family growing up.  Just add that to the lengthening list of things that Louis was kind of ignoring while he figured his shit out.

“Yeah, let’s go,” Nathan said, excited.  Harry led them back to where they always took the photos and Nathan looked around wide eyed.  “This is a great place.  I can see why Louis feels so comfortable here.”

Harry smiled bashfully.  “Thank you.  I tried very hard to make it somewhere that people could let down their guard and be themselves.”

Nathan nodded and kept looking around while Harry got his equipment where he wanted.

“Okay, so I thought we’d start with the solo shots of Louis that we do every month, and then we can get Nathan in for the couples shots.  That sound okay?”

Louis and Nathan both said, “Sure,” at the same time and laughed a little as Louis got into position for his blue shirt photos and the shirtless photos.  He and Louis fell into their pattern they had created for themselves so quickly and so easily that he had almost forgotten Nathan was even there.  There was such easy guidance from Harry and the gentle teasing between the two of them as stupid things happened like his lights got off sync with the camera or Harry caught Louis mid yawn so he looked like a grumpy lion cub.  It felt tender and comfortable and peaceful.

It wasn’t until Harry mentioned that Nathan should step into the frame that Louis remembered his boyfriend was even standing in the corner watching all of it happening.  As Louis looked at him, he found Nathan observing him with a soft smile and a crease between his eyebrows.  Louis tilted his head in question and knew Nathan understood.  Nathan just gave him another smile and shook his head before stepping in and kneeling down in front of Louis so he could kiss his naked belly for a photo.

The photos with the two of them went well too, Harry helping them focus just the right attention on the feelings they were wanting to evoke rather than how they should hold their head or their hands and, as always, it helped Louis know that however the photos looked, they would be perfect.

Nathan was more quiet than usual for the rest of the time at the studio as well as the drive back home.  Once they got back to the apartment, Louis walked right to the bed to lay down, but called out over his shoulder so he’d catch Nathan before he was distracted by something else.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?”

Nathan followed Louis to their room and leaned against the doorframe while he watched Louis try to get comfortable.  It wasn’t possible.  Louis wasn’t sure why he tried, but he’d just gotten a new memory foam mattress topper and a massive body pillow, so somewhere inside of him he hadn’t lost all hope of getting comfortable.

Once Louis was done rolling around and squirming from side to side as he got the pillows and blankets and everything situated, he looked up and saw Nathan had once again adopted the fond smile and furrowed brows.  The juxtaposition of the two confused Louis even further.

“I’m just thinking.  Nothing big,” Nathan finally answered.

“Wanna talk about it?  Sometimes it helps to get it out.”

Nathan’s smile grew a little, but he shook his head.  “Nah.  It’s okay.  I might later, but for now I’m good.  You rest and try to get your swollen feet down, okay?”

Louis’ eyes drifted shut as exhaustion from the standing and posing for the last hour caught up to him.  “Yeah, okay.  Love you,” Louis muttered, and before he could hear Nathan’s answer, he was asleep.

 

XXX

 

Louis shifted his weight again, but it didn’t change the throbbing.  Even the swimming flip flops weren’t working for him anymore and he felt like the straps that held them on were digging into his feet they were so swollen in this fucking heat. 

“Shouldn’t the heat be letting up now that it’s almost September?  I mean College Football kicks off this Saturday.  Where’s the cooler weather?  The pretty colored leaves?  The apple cider?  Fuck.  I really want apple cider.”

Nathan cast an amused glance at Louis before shifting his eyes back to the parade.  “Watch your language, Lou.  There are children around.”

Louis just shifted again and lifted his foot out of the confines of the sandal for a minute before putting it back and relieving the other for a bit.  Louis usually loved Old Hamilton Days, especially the parade, but he also wasn’t seven months pregnant most years.  

Coming out for the parade and opening of the festival was the last thing Louis had wanted today, but Nathan had actually taken the time off after wrapping up two projects the week before and Louis felt like he couldn’t... _ shouldn’t... _ let this opportunity to actually spend some time together pass with him copping out on the couch because he wanted to avoid the heat.  

Louis wiped his brow and pulled the headband out of his hair.  It kept sliding back since he was sweating so profusely and he therefore had to keep readjusting it.  Add that to the list of frustrations.

Louis licked his lips and shifted his weight for the hundredth time, finding his hips were now starting to hurt.  Excellent.  There was a marching band passing, but they were perfectly located so they were taking a break and no loud music was being heard, just the tapping from a couple of drums to keep the beat.

“Babe, is the parade going to be much longer?”  It felt to Louis like it’d been going for ages already.

“It usually lasts about, what?  Forty-five minutes?  It’s only been fifteen, so yeah.  A bit longer.”  Nathan didn’t even look at Louis, just patted his hand and craned his neck to see what float for some random small business in town was next.  

Louis was just really thirsty.  And hot.  And achy.  And swollen and basically a miserable pregnant man who wanted to get home in the air conditioning and eat all the ice cream he could muster if it meant he could cool down faster.

Or maybe he could just drink like seventy gallons of water.  Ice water.  Fucking colder than the depths of Antarctica ice water.  And while he’s making a list of things he wants, having some servants to fan him and keep him always in the shade as he lounges and is carried everywhere would be nice too.

“Louis?  God, are you okay?”

Louis turned his head, and it was like things were moving in slow motion.  When did that start?  Fuck, he felt really strange.  And now Harry was reaching out and gripping his shoulder.  When did Harry get here?

“Uhm,” Louis said, trying to swallow.  “I don’t think I am, actually.  Can I sit down?”

“Yeah, definitely.  North Star Cafe has some seating open inside since everyone’s watching the parade.  How about we go in there?  Get you some air conditioning and let you prop up your legs and all that?”

Louis nodded and suddenly it felt like he was going to be sick.  Shit.  He really didn’t want to puke on the street surrounded by people trying to watch a parade.  Wouldn’t that just make everyone’s day?

“Harry?  I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“No, no.  You’ll be fine.  We just really need to get you cooled down and get some water back in you, probably get your blood sugar back up.  Okay?  You really shouldn’t be out in heat like this.”

Louis was only half hearing what Harry was saying, he was so focused on keeping his breakfast down.  How could he feel like he was going to lose everything and also like he could drink his own weight three times over at the same time?

“Nathan, what foods has he been favoring lately?  We need to get him something to eat with the water.”

“I...don’t know,” Nathan said.  Even in Louis’ hazy state he could tell that Nathan was panicked by his tone of voice.  Louis didn’t want him to worry.  He just also really didn’t want to throw up.  “I’ve not been home for meals or anything much lately.”

“Okay, well at lunch last month it was berries.  Is it still berries, Lou?”

Harry guided Louis to a seat and Louis could hardly remember the question he was so relieved to be in air conditioning.  “Berries?  Yeah, love berries.”

He sat down and propped his feet up, spreading out and closing his eyes so he could fully enjoy the cool air on his overheated body. 

“I’ll get berries and water,” Nathan said scurrying away.

“Ice water,” Louis said, quiet enough he wasn’t sure Nathan heard.

“I’m sure it’ll be ice water, Lou.  Are you feeling a bit better now that you’re out of the sun and in cool air?  Fuck, at least you’ve got color now.  You were so pale, it was really scaring me.  I’ve never seen anyone’s lips quite that pale.”

Harry kept rattling on and Louis just sucked in the cool air and felt the nausea slowly ease.  As soon as he felt stable enough to open his eyes, Nathan returned to the table with two glasses of ice water.

“These are for you and they’ll be out with berries shortly.”

Louis drank the first glass of water so fast he got a headache from the temperature.  He took a bit more time with the second one, but it was like he suddenly had energy again.  His limbs still felt shaky, but they didn’t feel quite so heavy and the world was coming out of it’s slow motion fog finally.

A server dropped off the berries and asked if the others needed anything.  Louis didn’t pay attention to the conversation, all he knew was they’d added blackberries and raspberries to the strawberry and blueberry mixture and he felt like it was his birthday he was so happy to see them.  He fucking loved blackberries and raspberries.

Halfway through the bowl, Louis couldn’t eat anymore, so he sat back and finally decided to take in his surroundings again.  Both Nathan and Harry were sitting there watching him with concerned faces, not saying anything.

“Uh, hi?”

“Are you feeling better?”  

Harry was the one who asked, but Nathan looked frustrated and scared and pretty awful, honestly, so it was him he directed the answer to.

“Yeah.  I’m still a bit shaky, but I feel loads better now.”

Nathan’s jaw clenched, but his shoulders relaxed a bit.  Louis felt like he was in a brand new situation.  Nathan had never reacted to something in this way before, and Louis wasn’t sure how to diffuse it.  Instead, he turned to Harry.  Harry he knew how to address and handle, and that was with a lot of thanks.

“Thank you so much, Harry.  That came on so fast I didn’t even realize what was going on.

Harry nodded.  “As soon as I saw you I knew something was up, and with the heat as high as it is today, Gemma didn’t come because she’s also pregnant and was worried of getting dehydrated.  I’m surprised you came at all.”

Nathan’s head whipped from Louis to Harry when he heard him say that.  “Shit.  I didn’t even think of that.  Lou, did you think of that?”

Louis shrugged.  “I mean, kind of?  A little bit.  But I knew how much this meant to you, so I still wanted to come.”

Nathan just looked at Louis before turning back to Harry and holding out his hand for a handshake.  “Thank you.  Seriously.  I was so focused on the parade I don’t know that I would have realized something was wrong until it was too late.  I’m so glad you were there to take care of him when I wasn’t.”

Louis watched as Harry took Nathan’s hand in his own and shook it.  After swallowing hard, Harry’s eyes moved from Nathan to Louis and he said, “It was my privilege.  I’m glad you’re doing better, Louis.  But now I’ve gotta go.  I’m manning the ticket booth as soon as the parade ends and it’s time for me to head over.  I hope you two have a good rest of your day, and Louis?  Please take care of yourself.”

Louis nodded in promise and watched Harry leave.

“We aren’t going anywhere until you’ve been able to drink two more glasses of water and the rest of those berries, and then we’re going straight home.  I can’t believe I let you come out here today.  I’m so sorry, Louis.”

Louis took a deep breath before focusing on the berries again.  “It’s not your fault, Nate.  It’s mine.”

The rest of their time at the cafe was silent, as was the walk home.

 

XXX

 

“Why do you want it to be green?”

“Why  _ wouldn’t _ I want the nursery to be green, Nate?  Green is a fucking gorgeous color and I think the mint would really show off the cherry hardwood of the crib so just fucking let me paint the nursery fucking mint!”

Louis wiped the tears away from his cheeks in anger.  He was so fucking done with this pregnancy.  He felt like he was always angry and crying and damn it he still had something stupid like two months to go.  Whoever fucking lied and said pregnancy was nine months instead of ten better be in hell.  Those extra four weeks have Louis feeling like he’s not going to make it.

“Shit!” Louis yelled as he put pressure on his stomach.  “Now really isn’t the time, Isabelle!”  She’d been kicking so hard lately he was worried she’d leave bruises.  His mom said he was a drama queen and it was only going to get worse.  She was probably right, but Louis liked to cuss her out mentally for saying such things anyway.

“Please don’t cry and please don’t yell.  It’s not that important anyway.  I just thought you’d want to go something more traditional like pink or purple.”

“Those would look awful with the cherry wood, are you insane?!” Louis cried, heaving in air in an attempt to stave off his sobs.  “And it is fucking important, it is our soon to be child’s room!”

Nathan dropped his head back.  “You’re right.  It’s very important.  I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.  We can absolutely do mint green.”

“You’re just saying that to get me to stop crying!” Louis accused, stabbing his finger into Nathan’s chest.  “It isn’t working!  I’m still pissed at you!”

Nathan just shook his head, rolled his eyes, and walked towards the door.

“Yeah.  You’re right.  I’ll see you at Harry’s in an hour for the photoshoot.”  Nathan slammed the door behind him.

“Fine, you fucking douchebag!” Louis yelled and threw a pillow at the door.  It fell to the ground only about four feet in front of Louis with an unsatisfying thwap.  “Should have thrown the remote.  That would have made it to the door.”

Louis could feel the anger draining out of him already, and he looked around the apartment.  God, why was he yelling?  Why was he acting like that towards Nathan?  Nathan wasn’t even arguing, he was simply giving suggestions.  

“Shit,” Louis whispered as he covered his face with his hands.  “I definitely owe him another apology.”

Louis took a deep breath and walked back to their room to clean himself up so he didn’t look like he’d had the third irrational hormone driven fit in three days.  Working wasn’t going so well for Louis, but he couldn’t take it out on the kids, which meant he came home in a foul mood and Nathan just didn’t know what to do to help him.  It wasn’t his fault that he’d never had to deal with this side of Louis before.  At least, not this side of Louis when combined with pregnancy hormones.  Louis was being a real shit, but he felt totally out of control.

Changing into the photoshoot outfit, Louis made sure he had everything, and then headed out to the studio.

Louis was still fifteen minutes early, so he took his time observing the photos that he had looked at the first time he’d come in to meet with Harry.  The photos were the same, but Louis felt like a totally different person.  He was still pregnant and it had only been a few months, but he felt so much more connected to the baby in his belly, his little Isabelle.  Isabelle Jay loved to make her presence known and Louis could already tell she was going to be a fiery one.  He rubbed his belly as she did more somersaults and he was once again struck by his mom’s face.

Her entire body spoke of assurance and confidence, but her face was pure joy and love.  She wasn’t even looking at the twins dancing in front of her, her head was tipped towards the ceiling, but the crinkles around her eyes and the set of her smile as she obviously had been laughing brought to mind numerous other times she’d laughed in that way and how bright her eyes always were following that laughter.

Louis wasn’t sure he’d ever have that assurance and confidence when it came to his role as a parent.  It was a goal, something to aspire to, but he wasn’t positive he could ever attain it.  That love, though?  Before he could hardly fathom it and how strong it could be, but now he felt like he was already brimming with it.

The bell above the door sounded and Louis turned to find Nathan walking in.

“Nate, babe.  I’m so sorry.  I really don’t try to be this ridiculous,” Louis rushed out, walking towards his boyfriend.  “I really am so sorry.”

Nathan smiled tiredly.  “I know.  I’m sorry for getting so frustrated too.  I just don’t know how to talk to you sometimes.”

Louis sighed.  “I know.  We’re still okay?”

Nathan opened his mouth to answer, but Harry came from the back.

“Hi, you two!  Come on back.  I’m just finishing some notes and then I’ll be right into the studio with you.”

Louis looked at Nathan, still waiting for his answer.  He gave a soft smile and nodded, but there was something off with the way he was looking at Louis. Now really wasn’t the time to question it though.  

Nathan waved his hand towards the back and said,  “After you.”  

The tension was palpable as Louis eyed Nathan, but he walked back all the same.  Apparently they’d taken enough time getting back to the studio, Harry had been able to finish his notes and joined them within moments.

“Alright!  Wanna work this the same way we did last month?  Does that work for you two?”

Louis felt like he was under a microscope from Nathan.  What was going on in his head?

“Yeah, that should be fine,” Louis finally answered Harry with a strained smile.

Harry paused, looking between the two of them.  “I know it isn’t really any of my business, but is everything okay?  I can leave and let you two talk some if you’d like.”

Louis felt warmth bloom in his chest, and he couldn’t help rubbing at it a bit as he smiled naturally for the first time since he and Nathan had started fighting earlier.  “Yeah, everything’s fine.  Just feeling a little tense.  Crazy hormones.”

Harry studied Louis’ face intently and Louis just arched a brow at him.  That was enough to get Harry to relax.

“I can only imagine.  If you’re good to start then let’s get you and I into position and then we’ll add Nathan in here shortly.”

The entire photoshoot Louis did his best to focus on Harry.  Harry helped him relax.  Right now, thinking about Nathan just made him tense up and Harry could tell every time it happened.  Nathan was being a dear and smiling supportively at Louis, but it didn’t reach his eyes, and that just got Louis’ brain working in overdrive again.

Why was Nathan staring at him so much?  What was he looking for?  What was he going to say in the lobby before Harry interrupted them?

“Lou, you’ve gotta get out of your head,” Harry said again.  “Nathan, do you mind coming in for some shots?  Maybe we can do the couple shots and then that will relax him enough to do the rest of the solo ones.”

Louis just sighed and leaned his head back.  He felt like a failure for being unable to compartmentalize and put his feelings on the backburner to focus on the task at hand.  He hated that even his brain was working against him today.

Louis took off his shirt for the topless partner photos before returning to his place.  Nathan came and stood in front of him before kneeling down and placing his hands on Louis’ belly.  He made eye contact with Louis as he leaned in to kiss the belly and it was then that Louis was hit with a realization so strong that he felt like the ground had shaken.

He loved Nathan, but he was no longer  _ in love  _ with him.

His eyes didn’t make Louis think of the years he hoped for them to spend together or all of the memories they would make raising Isabelle or possible marriage.  He felt comfort and support, but not that of a partner, more like that of a friend.  Lately when he’d thought of his future and support and marriage and babies, the eyes that he had seen were a distinctly different color and they belonged to a different man.

Oh my God.  What did that mean?  Louis was about to fucking have a baby, he was about to bring a  _ child,  _ a full blown  _ person _ into this world, and he’s just now realizing he no longer is in love with his partner of over five years that the child was created with? 

Louis was hyperventilating.  He couldn’t handle this on top of everything else.  His eyes were swimming with tears and the world was spinning a little and he felt hands helping him sit down and trying to get him to focus on breathing, but he couldn’t seem to get a good full breath in.  He also couldn’t fully understand what anyone was saying.  All he knew was that he was scared of what this realization meant for him and for his baby and for his relationship and everything.  Holy shit, he was going to ruin his child’s entire life with this realization all before the baby was even born.  What kind of a shitty father did that?

Words finally began to clear in his mind, it was a repetition of, “Oh God, oh God, oh God,” but as he focused he realized it was himself saying those words.  As soon as that thought settled, he was able to make himself stop and he opened his eyes.  Right in front of him was Harry with his hands on Louis’ shoulders asking him to breathe in and breathe out with him.

Louis focused on Harry’s chest.  When Harry saw that’s where his focus was, he took Louis’ hand and held it to his exposed skin so Louis could feel the rise and fall as well as see it.  The added sense was what finally allowed him to slow down and start to time his breaths with Harry’s.

The tears still fell and he felt a hand rubbing his back as he became more aware of his surroundings again, but looking back into Harry’s worried eyes helped Louis feel more centered than he had in months.

He wasn’t in love with Nathan, but he might be close to it with Harry.

“I think that’s enough for today.  You can text me when you’re feeling better and we can schedule a time for you two to come back, okay?”

Louis nodded and then realized his hand was still being held against Harry’s chest.  Right.  He should probably get back into his own space now that he was breathing normally again.

Keeping the eye contact, Louis slowly pulled his hand back and Harry didn’t resist, though Louis saw something change in his eyes.  Louis couldn’t say what exactly, but it made him want to put his hand back.

“Come on, Lou.  Let’s get you home.”

Louis wiped the tears from his face, it seemed those had stopped falling at some point thank goodness, and shakily offered his hands to Nathan.  Once he was standing, he found his legs to still be a bit wobbly.  It honestly felt a little like Louis was floating, kind of like after you’ve had a massive adrenaline rush and you’re body isn’t quite ready to come down yet.  He was still at the high from his body going into that panic attack.  How would he feel when he came down from it?

“Can you stand on your own?” Nathan asked.

Louis nodded, but bit his lip.  “I can, but I’d feel better if I could hold onto your arm once we start walking.”

“Okay, come here.”  Nathan took Louis’ shirt that Harry was holding out to them and helped get it over Louis’ head as Louis focused on making his arms work to get through the holes.  Once Louis was fully clothed again, Nathan wrapped his arm around Louis and held firm to his waist.  It didn’t feel steadying nearly so much as having his hand on Harry’s skin had.  

How had Louis been so blind?  His mom had been trying to tell him earlier and he just ignored her.  Not purposefully, at this point he almost felt like he’d been unknowingly cheating on Nathan, but he hadn’t!  The whole reason he’d not seen his connection to Harry as clearly as he was now was because he’d been so focused on Nathan.  But fuck, what was he going to do now?  Even beginning to bring this up was going to break Nathan’s heart.

Louis stayed silent as Nathan guided them to Nathan’s car, parked right beside Louis’.  

“We’ll come back and get yours later when you’re feeling better.  Okay?”

For the first time in ages, Louis felt like Nathan could tell what he’d been thinking.  Louis nodded and slumped into the passenger seat.

Nathan turned on the car and buckled his seatbelt, but before even putting the car in gear, he just stared out the windshield and gripped the steering wheel.  Louis studied Nathan’s profile and the sharp line of his shoulders being held rigid as he waited for what Nathan was obviously preparing to say.

“I just want to say a few things and then I’m going to drop you at your mom’s because I think you’re going to want to be with her for a bit, okay?”

Louis’ heart dropped to his stomach and then began to beat in double time.  He focused on keeping his breathing as calm as possible, but the tears were already starting up again.

“Okay,” Louis finally choked out and his voice sounded even more rough than he’d anticipated.

Nathan turned to Louis and Louis could see the pain in them already.  This definitely wasn’t going to be good.

“What’s going on with you and Harry?”

Louis opened his mouth to respond, but Nathan held his hand up.

“That came out wrong.  I’m not accusing you of anything, because I truly don’t believe you’ve cheated on me.  Am I wrong?”  

Nathan looked at Louis sharply and Louis immediately shook his head.  Nathan sighed a deep breath and closed his eyes.  

“I didn’t think so.  But Louis, there is  _ something _ going on with him, isn’t there?  I’m not imagining that, right?”

Louis bit his lip and began to cry a little.  He couldn’t help it.  “I don’t know,” he finally said, honestly.

Nathan’s eyes began to well up a bit as well.  “Do you love him?”  Nathan hastily wiped a tear from his face.  “Because for real, I don’t know if you love me anymore.  I don’t know if we, the both of us, are in love anymore.  I’m not sure we have been for a long time, if I’m being truthful with myself.  I just want to know, do you love him?”

Louis wiped the tears from his face again.  “I don’t know,” Louis said, angrily this time.  Why did everyone need an answer right now?  “Maybe!  I don’t know, Nathan!”

“I’m going to take you to your mom’s, because I know you need someone to talk to about this.  I’m not sending you there because I don’t want you at home.  I do.  We need to talk more about this, but I’m not going to break up this relationship if there’s the possibility of our coming back together stronger.  I just...Louis...you look at Harry in a way you’ve never looked at me.  And really...I’m not sure I’ve ever looked at you the way he does either.  We both deserve the best, you know?  But I need to make sure we are both on the same page here.  I’ll give us another try if that’s what you want to do.  But I need to know if your heart is in it.  I don’t want to make you choose, but I feel like that’s where we are now.  Okay?”

Louis took a deep shaky breath.  The anger was gone.  They did both deserve the best.  “I’m sorry,” Louis said on a whisper.

Nathan shook his head.  “Don’t be sorry.  We were comfortable, ya know?  We were in a good place before, but a baby changes things and demands more.  We just need to figure out if we are up to that or if you’d be better somewhere else.  With someone else.  Yeah?”

Louis nodded.  “Yeah.”

Nathan finally put the car in gear.  “Let’s get you to your mom’s.”

Louis stared out the window for the entire seven minute drive over to his mom’s house.  It looked like everyone was home, which wasn’t what Louis had been hoping for, but at least that meant his mom was probably there.  That was what was most important anyway.

Before Louis could climb out, Nathan grabbed his hand and pulled it to his mouth for a kiss.  “I really do love you, Louis.  I always will, and same goes for Isabelle.  You know that, right?”

Louis nodded his head.  “Yeah.  And same for me, you know?”

“I know,” Nathan whispered.

As Louis pulled his hand back and got out of the car, Louis looked back at Nathan who gave him a sad smile, and it was then Louis knew.  As scary as it was, it was over for them.  They’d always be family, thanks to the little one in Louis’ belly, but it would be different from this point forward.  

Louis walked up to the door to the house and before closing the door behind him, he watched Nathan pull away.  It felt like an ending.  Louis wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

“Hey, Boo!  How are you, honey?”  Louis turned towards his mom and gave a tired smile.  “Baby, what’s wrong?”

Louis sucked in a deep breath, but he was already crying.  Again.  “I think Nathan and I just broke up.”

Jay’s face showed shock and then changed to a sympathetic understanding.  “Are you crying because you don’t want to, or are you crying because you’re scared of what happens now?”

Louis heaved in a gasp as he threw himself at his mom’s open arms.  “I don’t know for sure, but I think the second one?”

Louis could feel his mom nod as she squeezed him tight and kissed his head.  He had been taller than her for several years now, but he was always somehow able to compress himself to fit in her arms perfectly.

“Come on.  I’ll have Lottie and Fizzy finish lunch for everyone.  You and I need to have some alone time.”

Louis slowly made his way upstairs and headed to his mom and Dan’s bedroom where he sat down and waited for her to join him.  It didn’t take long before he felt the bed shift and her warmth began to seep into his side.

“So.  What are you scared of?”

Louis snorted as best he could with a snot filled nose.  “Jumping right into things, hm?”  

Jay just shrugged and gave him a soft smile.  “Don’t really have time to beat around the bush, do we?  So come on.  What scares you so much?”

Louis looked around her bedroom.  There were pictures of the numerous variations of their family through the years, but mostly there were photos of her and Dan’s wedding as well as the family photos they’d taken last fall.

“What if he doesn’t want me?”  Louis’ eyes went wide and he slapped a hand across his mouth.  Damn it.  Louis hadn’t even realized that had been one of his biggest worries until he said it out loud.  Now that it had been given life, though, Louis knew that was right up there with the worry that Isabelle wouldn’t know both of her dads.  For now, Louis felt like he couldn’t know how to deal with the rest until he knew how to deal with Harry.  Louis repositioned himself so he was facing his mom and repeated his concern.  “What if Harry doesn’t want me like I want him?”

Jay raised her hand and cupped his cheek.  He hadn’t shaved for a few days so he knew it was rough, but her thumb gently caressed the stubble.  “There’s only one way to find out, but I think you already know what my thoughts are.”

Louis rolled his eyes.  “You’re biased.  You’re my mom.”

“You bet I’m biased!” she said with a laugh, her eyes sparkling.  “But I already told you what I saw during the photoshoot I was there for.  Lou, baby, there’s something deep and special with you and Harry.  I don’t think you have anything to worry about there.”

“Okay, but then what about with Nathan?  I’m scared that Izzy won’t get to know her other dad.  I love Nathan even if I’m not in love with him anymore, and I just worry about how things will turn out for her.”

Jay’s eyes turned steely.  “Louis William, don’t you dare tell me you don’t know that man better by now.”

Louis immediately felt ashamed.  He did know Nathan better than that.  There was no way he would ever abandon his child or Louis like that.  He’d be a great father, no matter his relationship with Louis.

“I’m not going to say it won’t be hard, because it will, but you  _ know _ you have nothing to worry about when it comes to Nathan following through with his responsibilities.”

Louis felt like so many pieces were clicking into place.  “I know.”  He studied his mom’s hands where they rested in her lap.  Finally he found the courage to say what he’d been thinking ever since he’d realized his feelings back at the photography studio.  “So what do I do now?”

Jay took a deep breath and blew it out through her lips before giving him a weary smile.  “That’s up to you, babe.  You can stay here as long as you need to gather your thoughts, but I think first thing on the list is to go talk things completely through with Nathan when you are both ready.  Everything else comes after that.”

Louis nodded before leaning forward and wrapping her in another hug.  “Thanks, Mom.”

“Of course, Boo.  I love you.”

“Love you, too.”  They sat there in their embrace until Louis chuckled a little.

“What?” Jay asked with a smile.

“Think someone could take me back to my car later?  It’s still downtown and I don’t feel like walking.”

“What, nearly eight months along and you don’t want to walk in the remains of the summer heat?” Jay teased.  “Yeah, I think we can work that out.  You can hide in here until you’re ready to emerge, but I think I should go back downstairs.  Okay?”

“Okay.  Thanks, again.”

Jay gave Louis one more kiss on the forehead before she quietly left her room and shut the door behind her.  

 

XXX

 

Louis eased the apartment door open and was relieved to see the lights were still on.  Of course they were.  Nathan had responded that he was ready to talk if Louis was just fifteen minutes ago, so Louis really didn’t have anything to worry about.

The door closed quiety behind him and Louis slid off his shoes.  He needed these last few moments to steel himself for this conversation.  It needed to happen and he knew they both knew what the end result would be, they could both feel it in the car, but that didn’t make it  _ easy. _  Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, Louis gathered the resolve he could and walked in.

“Nate?”

“I’m in the bedroom.”

Louis walked through to the bedroom...oh shit.  Nate had said  _ the _ bedroom.  Not  _ our _ bedroom.  Yeah.  This was definitely happening.

Louis was unsure whether to go in fully until he went and saw Nathan sitting there, looking as nervous and sad and conflicted and yet sure as Louis felt and it was then he knew he had to sit beside him and hold his hand.  It was the least he could do.

“This isn’t working anymore,” Louis said quietly.

Nathan looked up into Louis’ eyes, grasping his hand tightly.  “It hasn’t been working for a long time now.”

Louis nodded.  “I don’t even know when it happened, if I’m being honest.  Or if we just never really were in love and never realized until now, you know?”

Nathan chuckled and wiped at his face.  “Yeah, exactly.  Like...I thought I was in love?  But ever since the parade and the way that Harry just knew you weren’t okay...I mean, I was with you the whole day!  Right beside you!  I had legitimately just looked at you and I had no idea you weren’t okay, and that scared me.  But Harry took one look…”  Nathan shook his head.  “And the way you two are during the photoshoots.  Lou, I love you, but I want to be in a relationship where we connect on whatever level you two do, and we just don’t.  I’m so sorry.”

Louis smacked Nathan’s knee.  “Don’t you dare apologize!  I feel like I should apologize!  I didn’t mean for any of this to happen!  Not the pregnancy or meeting Harry or any of it!”

Nathan urgently leaned forward and grabbed both of Louis’ hands in his own.  “Look at me.  Now.”  Louis wiped his cheek on his shoulder and looked back into Nathan’s warm, kind eyes.  “I am so thankful this happened.  We are going to have the most precious child, and without her neither of us might have ever realized what we are missing by staying together.  We both deserve more.  We weren’t bad together, we just weren’t  _ right.  _  You understand me?”

Louis nodded, and it was then he realized the weight that he’d felt ever since learning about the pregnancy was finally lifted.  He felt lighter than he had for as long as he could remember.

“So.  This is it?” Louis asked. 

Nathan reached in for a hug before he leaned them back on the bed so they were snuggled together, staring at the ceiling.  “Yeah.  I think this is definitely it.”

After several moments of silence, Louis allowed himself to quietly ask, “What do we do now?”

“Well,” Nathan said slowly.  “We figure out the living situation thing and how to balance the parenting thing now that we are just friends again for the first time in five years and we just make it work for us.”

Louis let that sink in, and it felt perfect.  Still parenting together, but as friends.  That’s all they’d been really for the past few years anyway, but now they finally just gave it the right label.  Louis was about to say something else when Nathan cleared his throat.

“And uh...I really need you to go after your boy.”

“What?” Louis asked quietly.  “Nate, I just…”

“You’re scared.  I know.  But, Lou, I need you to do this for the both of us.  Don’t let him go, because you two gave me hope that I could have something amazing too.”

Louis tried to push his fear to the side and snuggled into Nathan’s side before closing his eyes.

“Okay.  I’ll try,” he said.  “Promise.”

 

XXX

 

“I’m not ready to tell him yet, Nate.  Can we just keep mum about it for today since it’s still so new for us and I’ll figure out how and when I want to do it right?”

Louis was so scared and worried.  It had been a long time since he’d put it on the line for a new relationship, but what if Harry wasn’t actually into him?  Louis had quite a bit of baggage in the form of a human life growing inside of him not to mention it was only two days ago that he and Nathan officially broke up.  Louis didn’t want Harry to think he was just a rebound, but he also had to be careful how he went about talking to Harry because he didn’t want Harry to have the pressure on him of thinking Louis and Nathan broke up  _ because _ of Harry.  They kind of did, but it was more because Harry being introduced to their lives showed them the weaknesses in their own relationship than because Louis wanted to be with Harry more than Nathan and...shit.  This entire thing was far too complicated.  Louis definitely wasn’t ready to try to tackle this today.

“Yeah, of course.  I wasn’t trying to push you, I just didn’t know what you were thinking about how to handle the Harry stuff now.  But it’s okay, we won’t be there for very long anyway.  It’s just the couples photos, right?”

Louis puffed his cheeks out as he blew the air out.  “Uhm.  I think?  Shit, did we get the other photos done?  I honestly don’t remember and it was only a couple days ago.  That’s why I’m wearing the blue shirt just in case.”

Nathan laughed as he pulled into the parking lot beside Harry’s studio.  “You also forgot you put your phone in the freezer this morning when you were getting out the waffles for breakfast.  Prego brain has definitely struck.”

Louis nodded as he rolled his eyes.  “Yeah, shut up.  You think it’s hilarious, but I really do feel like I’ve lost my brain most days at this point.  On a different note, can you believe this blue shirt looked like it fit me just fine before I was even showing and yet it’s still stretchy enough to cover this monstrosity?”

Nathan laughed fully in a way that reminded Louis of when they were younger.  Why hadn’t they been able to see the strain their relationship had been putting on both of them?  Both of them were acting so much more carefree and happy than they had since college and it had only been a couple days.  Louis wasn’t sure whether to feel sad it took them so long to figure it out or relieved they eventually got there.

“I know when to hold off on answering something I shouldn’t.  Come on, let’s go see Harry.”

Louis nervously walked over to the studio, but realized he needed to go a bit faster.  He’d peed right before leaving their apartment but he already needed to again.  Isabelle had decided that his bladder was the perfect resting place and it was causing him minor issues.

“Nate, I’ve gotta pee again.  Come on.”

Louis waddled as quickly as he could towards the doors because he was fast approaching the  _ I’m going to pee my pants _ stage and that was not cool.  As soon as the bell rang, Harry looked up from where he was talking with a customer at the front desk and smiled brightly at Louis.

“Hey, H.  Pregnant bladder issues, sorry!  Be right back!” Louis called over his shoulder as he rushed to the toilet.  Luckily it was empty and Louis was able to relieve himself without issue.  What did piss him off was the fact that barely a trickle came out.  Because, seriously?  He could have sworn he was going to burst and that’s all he had in there?  Fuck that, pregnancy sucked sometimes.

After washing his hands, Louis opened the door and heard Nathan’s voice in the studio across the hall, so he walked over there to find Nathan and Harry laughing together.  That was nice.  Confusing and a little mind fucking, but still.  Nice.  They were both important to Louis and if things went as he hoped they would with Harry, he really did want all of them to get along.

“Hey, Lou.  Harry just was telling me about how his sister is coming to town for the weekend, but last time she came some unfortunate events occurred, so he’s a little worried.”

“Please don’t make me tell the story again,” Harry pleaded, laughter shining in his eyes.  It was obvious he really loved the attention though when he easily acquiesced and told a condensed version.  “Okay, fine.  Long story short, the last time Gemma came for a weekend was for her 25th birthday and I ended up so drunk I couldn’t remember what happened, but my phone somehow was found in the window display at Macy’s, I had a new tattoo on my big toe that said ‘big’, and we can’t be sure, but I got an appointment reminder voicemail from a very nice lady who said something about me wanting to bleach my hair so I could color it pink a week later so we believe it’s related.  It was eventful, for sure, but I am not so sure I want a repeat.”

“Oh my God,” Louis said with a laugh.  “Did Gemma remember anything either?”

Harry shook his head.  “Nope.  But at least I ended up in my own bed at the end of the night.  She somehow woke up on the couch of a stranger that knew her name only because their roommate had told them she was staying with them that night.”

They all had a good laugh and in no time Louis was in front of the camera, finishing the solo photos he’d not been up to earlier.  He had no idea why he had been so nervous.  Harry had always been able to put him at ease, and today was no different.  It was part of what Louis lo-... _ liked _ about him.

Soon enough it was time for Nathan to join Louis for the photos he’d broken down during, and it was a completely different experience this time.  He felt so at ease, giggly almost, and he knew it showed in the way Harry was snapping photo after photo of them.

“Okay, I think that’s it,” Harry said, but his tone was off.  Louis looked over at him concerned, and found him avoiding eye contact with Louis and Nathan both as he focused on his camera.  His shoulders were hunched a little too, and Louis had no idea what had happened to cause the Harry that was so effusive and filling up the entire room only ten or fifteen minutes earlier to suddenly look like he was trying to take up as little space as possible.

“Is everything okay, Harry?” Louis asked with concern as he walked forward.

Harry backed up, almost like he didn’t want Louis to get any closer to him, and shit.  That stung.

“Yeah,” Harry squeaked out before clearing his throat and trying again.  “Yeah.  Totally fine.  I have to rush for my next appointment though, so I won’t be able to walk you out.  Sorry.”  And with that, Harry practically ran from the room.

“What was up with him?” Nathan asked, his confusion evident in his voice.

“I dunno.”

Louis worried about Harry and what had caused him to act like that the rest of that week and into the weekend.  Luckily, Fizzy and Lottie were taking him out to do some shopping for Isabelle as well as to pamper Louis a bit.  They’d all gone for foot massages after their shopping had resulted in very sore and swollen feet for Louis before taking him to eat at his favorite restaurant that happened to just be around the corner from his apartment.

His.  It still felt weird to think of it in terms of it only belonging to him, but it did.  Nathan had moved in with a friend of his from work that lived close to their office whose roommate had recently gotten married and had the space.  They were going to take their time figuring out things like division of furniture, but for now, the apartment was definitely his.

They were seated quickly at one of the oversized booths and were debating between whether to get some of the half priced appetizers or not when Lottie called out, “Hey, Harry!  Come sit with us!”

Louis looked over at her and glared, but she just shrugged and moved over to the bench Louis and Fizzy had been sharing so Harry and his sister, Louis presumed, could join them.

“Sit down with us!  We were just deciding whether to get appetizers or not,” Lottie said as she offered her menu over to the siblings sitting down.  

Harry’s sister was every bit as beautiful as he was, but she had a bit of a glint to her eye that let Louis knew she could be trouble when she wanted to be.  He already knew he liked her.

“Hi, guys.  Thanks for letting us join you.  This is my sister, Gemma.  Gemma, this is Fèlicité, Charlotte, and Louis Tomlinson.”

Louis giggled and Fizzy immediately waved and said, “Please don’t actually call us by those names.  I feel like I’m in trouble when my full name comes out.  I’m Fizzy and this is Lottie.”

“Nice to meet you,” Gemma said happily.  They weren’t able to talk much more at that moment because the server came up and wanted to know drink orders and asked about appetizers.  After a lot of bickering between all the siblings, an appetizer platter was decided on to be shared with all of them until their meals arrived.

Louis was happily munching on a potato skin when Fizzy said, “Yeah, well luckily Louis’ breakup wasn’t a bad one, or we’d probably be eating ice cream at his apartment while crying over the Titanic instead of having fun baby shopping.”

Louis froze and Harry’s neck looked like it was about to break, his head whipped around to look at Louis so quickly.

“You and Nathan broke up?”

Louis quickly finished chewing his mouthful of cheese and bacon so he could speak, but he nodded slowly.

“Uh, yeah.  We did.”

Harry sat there with his eyebrows furrowed while the girls continued to chat around them.  His eyes studied Louis with intensity before he asked quietly, “Are you okay?  When did this happen?”

Louis immediately reached out and touched Harry’s hand lightly before he reconsidered and pulled it back.  “Yeah, I’m fine.  We both are.  It was for the best.  We both recognized that we are better as friends rather than partners.  It happened earlier this week.  After the first attempt at a photoshoot actually.”

Harry blinked in surprise as he sat back.  “But that was...you two seemed in such good spirits when you came back.  I thought you’d worked things out and were happier than ever.”

Louis’ brain functions seemed to pick up speed at that point and it felt like he was experiencing a million thoughts and emotions all at once.  Fear, trepidation, hope, confusion, they all were there in varying amounts.  His thoughts, meanwhile, also flew about.  Was that why Harry acted how he did at the end of their photoshoot a few days ago?  Did he think that Louis and Nathan were happy together and there was no hope for him?  Or was it something unrelated?  He seemed really concerned that Louis was single now, was that because he worried for Isabelle?  For Louis?  Was he just being a good friend?  Why was Harry doing this?

Louis pulled himself together enough to be able to answer Harry.  “We are in the best spirits right now, Harry.  Without going into details, we just weren’t right for each other and it took us a lot longer to figure it out than it should have.”

Harry was biting his lip and Louis could see how hard his own mind was working based on the wrinkles that were forming on his forehead.  

“But, Louis, what about the baby?  What about  _ you?” _

Louis shrugged.  “He’ll still take care of his part.  We haven’t figured out specifics yet, we are hoping to figure things out as they come before getting some official paperwork written up so we are all protected, particularly Isabelle, but we’ve got time.  Don’t worry, Harry.  My biggest worry is that I’ll never find a man who’s interested in all of this,” Louis said with a wave to his belly.

“I really don’t think you have anything to be worried about with that one,” Harry muttered, but Louis could still hear him.  He tried so hard to suppress it, but a spark of hope lit within him.  Could he be referring to himself?

“Are you saying you’re interested, then?” Louis said, hoping his tone let off that he was joking.  He paired it with a maybe too bright smile and waited for Harry’s response.

Harry’s eyes grew wide and he chuckled nervously as he twisted his rings on his fingers before taking a drink.  “Oh, uh, me?  No, of course not.  Just...I’ll keep an eye out, right?  I’m sure there’s plenty who would be interested.”

And before that spark of hope could even really take flame, it was doused and Louis felt more exhausted than he had all week.

“Right.  Yeah.  I’m sure.” 

Harry and Louis sat in awkward silence as the girls kept talking and Louis felt like his stomach was slowly filling with acid.  He couldn’t bear to sit there any longer, he needed to get out of Harry’s presence so he could truly mourn that he lost his relationship with the father of his baby and his hope at real love before it even started all within a week’s time.

“Lotts, can you let me out, please?  I’m not feeling well.  I need to get home.”

The three girls all talked above each other trying to make sure he was okay and feeling alright and he just waved them off.  He dropped a twenty on the table and walked away as fast as his belly would allow.

He was barely holding himself together when jolts of pain started going down his legs again.  Damn it, couldn’t he catch a break?  His sciatica had calmed down a bit recently, but apparently now was the perfect time for a flare up.  Fuck it all.

Louis slowly made his way up the stairs to his apartment and heaved in as deep of breaths as he could given his limited lung space when the tears began to fall.  

It was official.  Harry wasn’t interested in him.  They were all wrong.  

Fuck.  Louis got his keys out with shaky hands as the tears further blurred his vision.  He just really wanted to get inside so he could cry in peace and maybe eat the rest of the Sour Cream and Onion potato chips he knew were hidden behind the tea in the cupboard.  Wait, nevermind.  There was the rest of the apple pie he’d been craving on Tuesday still sitting in the fridge.  That would be perfect.  But first, he had to get his crying to a manageable level and that would be much easier to do inside of his apartment.

He finally got the key to work in the door and he crashed through the entranceway, barely having it in him to make sure the door closed all the way before he stumbled into the bedroom and threw himself onto his bed.  He curled himself around his body pillow and finally gave in to the sobs.  His body shook the bed as he finally released all of the stress and worry that he’d been holding onto for the past eight months, maybe even longer.

He was physically past exhaustion and emotionally done for the night, so rather than finishing off those chips or the pie, he allowed himself to fall asleep right there on his damp body pillow still fully clothed.

 

XXX

 

Louis couldn’t have been asleep for long before there were very loud knocks at his front door.  Who in the world could that be?  In the deepest space of his heart, he hoped it was Harry, but he made sure to squash that before it grew large enough to hurt him again when he was disappointed.  It was probably a neighbor needing some sugar or something.

Louis opened the door and found Fizzy standing there.

“Well?  Are you going to let me in?”

Louis rolled his eyes.  “Not without you telling me why you’re here.  We brought the baby stuff over earlier so there’s no need for you to be here right now.”

Fizzy studied Louis and instead of answering his question she just said, “You look like shit.”

“Yeah, that’s definitely not getting you in here,” Louis said sharply, starting to close the door.  

Fizzy stuck her foot out to catch the door and said, “Were you crying because of Harry?”

Louis’ breath caught in his throat.  He’d not told Fizzy anything.  He didn’t think his mom or Lottie would have, but he never knew.  He studied her face as hers softened.

“What’s going on with you and Harry, Lou?  Why’d you run away from the dinner?  I thought you liked each other.”

Louis really didn’t want to say it out loud, but it looked like he was going to have to.  Louis finally let Fizzy in and closed the door behind her.  He remained facing the door so at least he didn’t have to see her face when he said, “He doesn’t want me.”

“Oh, Lou.  Yes he does.”

Louis shook his head, anger starting to rise in him.  He turned around to face his sister and he said, “No!  He really doesn’t!  He basically just said so at dinner!  So maybe you don’t know what you’re talking about, okay?”  The silence rang around them and it was only at that point Louis realized he’d shouted the last part.

“Well you didn’t see him hanging his head and moping after you left either!” Fizzy shouted back.  She took a deep breath before continuing more calmly, “Lottie had to leave to meet Tommy and I went to use the restroom.  When I came back I overheard Gemma asking him why he’d said that to you when he so obviously liked you.  He said he didn’t think it was his place and that you were just kidding anyway, so why would he have answered seriously.”  

Louis shook his head.  “What?  That doesn’t even make sense!”

“Louis.  He was scared, just like you are.  I  _ know _ you are, so don’t even try lying to me.  Gemma tried to get him to come over but he refused, saying you didn’t want to see him.  You’re going to have to be the one to make the move, Louis.  He is worried you aren’t in a place where you’re ready for a new relationship, which might be true, but all the same he isn’t going to impose on you.  You need to be the one to come to him when you’re ready.”

Fizzy’s blue eyes looked right into Louis’ with a force that made him finally believe what she was saying.

“You really don’t think if I were to go and ask him on a date that he’d turn me down?”

“I think he’d definitely say yes,” she said.  “Now I’ve gotta get home.  I promised I’d help get the twins to bed tonight so Mom and Dan can go to a movie.  I love you, but when you’re ready you’re gonna have to go after him.  Okay?”

“Yeah.  Okay.”  Louis hugged his sister and whispered, “Thanks, Fizz,” into her hair before sending her on her way.

 

XXX

 

Louis needed time to figure out how he was going to address what he had come to think of as The Harry Issue, but he got distracted.  School was back in full swing, Louis had more and more frequent doctor’s visits, he and Nathan were still working out details of what exactly this new era of their relationship meant for them and Isabelle, and he...well...he didn’t forget, really.  But he kind of did.

He of course didn’t forget about Harry and the fact that the ball was very much in his court, but he forgot that as busy as he was preparing for Isabelle’s arrival and grading papers and getting things prepared for the long term substitute that would take his place while he was on paternity leave, he also needed to be coming up with a plan on how to woo Harry.

The reminder Louis needed came in the form of an alert on his phone that reminded him that he had his second to last photoshoot scheduled in two days, and holy shit.  It had been almost an entire month since Louis had seen Harry and had that breakdown, an entire month he could have been coming up with a plan and instead he’d been sitting on his ass just...growing a human being and reading shitting exposition about the books the kids supposedly read over the summer when really most of them just read the cliffnotes.

Louis knew how much Harry loved fresh flowers, so maybe he could start there.  Some flowers, but also a note explaining his thoughts on Harry and wanting to take him out if he was willing.  That would be perfect.

One of their first conversations had revolved around the flowers in Harry’s office.  As Louis thought back on the few pieces of that he still remembered through his pregnancy fog, he could almost hear Harry in his low, syrupy voice saying, “Hyacinths are my favorite, but I don’t really care for them in bouquets,” and that gave Louis an idea.

How were Hyacinths grown?  Were they seeds or bulbs or what?  Louis knew it wasn’t the season to grab some already blooming from the store unless he wanted to pay a pretty penny and honestly that didn’t go with what he was trying to convey anyway.  The seed or bulb would be perfect.

A quick Google search showed that Hyacinths were bulbs and it was actually getting close to the perfect time for planting them.  Excellent.  First, before Louis solidified his plans though, Louis needed to make sure that the meaning behind Hyacinths were suitable as well.  That seemed exactly the kind of thing that would matter to Harry.

At first the only meaning Louis found was for sports or physical play which could definitely take on a different meaning, but he saw that the blue flowers particularly meant sincerity and that was lovely.  Then Louis found the  [ legend ](http://www.teleflora.com/meaning-of-flowers/hyacinth) behind the flower’s name and he felt sad but also couldn’t help chuckling because of  _ course _ Harry’s favorite flower had a gay as fuck legend behind the naming of it.  

Louis then searched to see if he could find a nursery nearby that sold the bulbs he was looking for and as soon as he located that, he knew exactly what he would do.  He wanted to be sure the letter was perfect, so he immediately set to drafting that and the plans fell into place.

Two days later, Louis left the school and checked the time.  He had just enough time to go to his apartment and pick up his gift for Harry before heading over to the studio, which was perfect.  Nathan was out of town on a last minute trip overseas he had to make now so he would be able to be in town for the last month or so before Louis was due in case Louis went into labor early like his mom was prone to do.  Louis was now four weeks out, which seemed unreal, but at the same time absolutely believable.  He was so tired of being pregnant but at the same time there was still so much more that needed to be done before he was ready for this baby to arrive, like setting up the crib and having his baby shower that his mom was only able to schedule for him in a couple of weeks and getting baby bottles. 

Like asking Harry on a date.

Louis walked into his apartment and found the simple brown box wrapped with a purple bow and Louis’ handwritten note that Harry would hopefully be able to read tucked beneath so it wouldn’t be lost sitting right where he left it.  He picked it up and walked right back out the door.  

He could do this.  He could.  He just really needed to make sure that he didn’t chicken out.  He was so nervous he couldn’t even listen to music.  Louis reached over and turned off the radio because even the Fray were irritating him.  Louis found himself tapping the steering wheel to whatever random beat was in his head as he drove over and parked by the studio.  

Louis gripped the box and his phone, steadying himself a bit before heaving his mammoth body out of the car.  He tried to walk with the confidence he was needing as he approached the studio, finally walking in and hearing the tinkling of the bell above signalling to Harry his presence.

Footsteps immediately made their way down the hall towards Louis, and he bit his lip a bit in a panic.  As soon as he saw Harry, calming green eyes and dimples ready to meet him, it happened again.  Louis had to figure out if it was just Harry’s presence or if there was a way to bottle that soothing effect he always felt, because it would come in handy if Louis could just have it whenever he needed.

“Hey, stranger!  Ready to get started?”  Harry’s eyes flickered down to the box in Louis’ hands when he thrust it forward.

“This is for you.  Please don’t ask any questions and wait to open it until after I’m gone, but the note will hopefully explain everything.  It’s just...well.  It’s kinda ridiculous really, but I hope you like it anyway.”

Harry gave Louis a confused smile, but took the package in his hands as he said, “Thank you.  That’s very kind of you, but you really didn’t have you.”

Louis smiled ruefully and looked down to where he used to be able to see his feet, but now all he saw was a protruding belly covered in blue cloth.  “I did, actually, but don’t thank me until you see what’s inside.”

“So where’s Nathan?” Harry asked, popping into his office to set the box down before he and Louis headed back to the studio.  “He joining us later?”

“Nah, he’s in...somewhere in Asia I think?”  Louis couldn’t remember if this was his trip to Korea or if that was the one a couple weeks ago.  “Last trip out of country before Izzy makes her debut, so he’ll be missing this one.”

“Ah, gotcha.  How are things going with you two, by the way?”

Louis tried to find hints in Harry’s voice as to how he felt about the situation, but the man was giving nothing away.  Louis sighed in frustration as he stood back towards the backdrop like he always did.  

“Fine.  Nothing too exciting going on.  We actually haven’t been talking much outside of logistics surrounding Izzy, mostly because we’ve both been so busy getting work things set up and ready to go for when she gets here, but yeah.  We’re alright.”

Harry nodded and started taking photos.  As it always did, their conversation flowed easily and naturally, and Louis could feel his worry about how Harry would take the gift and note build the closer they got to the end.

“Are you still okay with taking off your shirt?  I can see you’re starting to tense up more the closer we get to it.”

Louis couldn’t help it, he snorted.  “I probably should be more self conscious about this belly, I know loads of others are, but no.  I don’t care about that.  I’m just thinking.”

Harry offered a soft smile as he moved the camera to the mark for the next set of photos.  “Well.  Whatever it is you’re thinking about, put it out of your mind and focus on me and the little one inside of you that you’ll be meeting so soon.”

Louis chuckled a little again.  Harry had no idea that was part of the issue.

Soon enough their session was done and Louis was left to trying to figure out how Harry would handle the gift once he was gone.

“Well, thanks again, Harry.  I hope you don’t totally hate the gift, but if you do, just lie to me please?  My completely pregnant self couldn’t handle that kind of letdown.”

Harry laughed as he walked Louis to the front.  “I don’t think it’s possible for me to hate anything you get me.  I’m sure I’ll love it.”

Louis just hummed in response.  “Well...I’ll see ya.”

Harry waved Louis goodbye and headed back to his office, and Louis went back to his house to wait for Harry to reach out to him.  He hoped Harry would reach out.  His note asked him to do so either way and let him know, and he didn’t think Harry would be so rude as to leave him hanging.  

Louis looked around at the leaves on the trees that had finally started changing with the cooler temperatures making their way in, and sighed.  It was out of his hands now, so the most he could do was just wait.

 

XXX

 

Louis really sucked at waiting.  It had only been three hours since he’d left Harry’s and he’d texted his sisters, Nathan, and Zayn, cleaned the kitchen, and done a load of laundry.  He would have done more loads, but he couldn’t comfortably bend over far enough to reach the other dirty clothes, so he figured he’d leave those for later.  He was quite proud of himself for  _ not _ texting Harry as well as for not having convinced himself that Harry hated him after his note and gift.  Yet.  There was still time to convince himself of that.

All the unexpected activity left Louis with swollen ankles, again, so he was sitting and watching the episode of Dance Academy he’d fallen asleep during the night before when there was a knock at his door.  Louis paused the show and looked over his shoulder in the direction of the door.  How important was this visitor?  Did it warrant him actually getting off the couch where he’d finally gotten comfortable once he’d found a fourth pillow to prop beneath his feet and knees?

The person knocked again and Louis began the laborious process of getting up.

“Coming!  Gimme a sec!” he yelled towards the entrance, hoping whoever it was could hear him and be patient.  The couch really did like to suck him in, so he had a hard time getting up once he’d settled down on it.

“Phoebs, I’m not going to write your Grapes of Wrath paper for you,” Louis said before opening the door and finding it wasn’t actually his sister wanting help on an English paper, but Harry.  “Oh.”

Harry smiled a little, a blush evident on his cheeks.  He was holding the obviously opened box and the unfolded letter in his hands.

“May I come in?”

Louis nodded and waved towards the living room.  “Feel free to move the pillows so you have more space to sit down.”

He hadn’t expected Harry to just show up at his apartment.  He didn’t know Harry actually knew where he lived.  Was Harry here to return the bulbs and let Louis down gently?  Oh God, what if Harry really wasn’t interested?

All the worst case scenarios ran through Louis’ head as he closed the door and walked back to where Harry was waiting.  This was what he had been waiting for, right?  Except face to face instead of through a phone like he’d been anticipating.  Shit, this was a lot more nerve wracking.

Louis pulled the shirt down so it covered his belly completely again, the damn thing kept riding up, and sat down on the carnivorous couch.

“Thank you for the bulbs,” Harry said earnestly, and Louis wanted to keep focused somewhere other than the man in front of him, but he couldn’t help it.  Harry was one of those people who demanded attention and Louis was all too willing to give it to him, especially now that he was free to do so without any guilt attached.  “I had never heard the legend behind Hyacinths before.”

“Interesting, right?” Louis said, surprising even himself with his response.  “I hadn’t either, obviously.”

“Before I respond to the rest of the note, I just wanted to say thank you for explaining and then put some things out there for me.  Is that okay?”

Louis nodded.  He wasn’t sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing, but he’d take anything Harry was willing to give him at this point.

“I’d seen photos of you before, because of your mom.  Jay had come in and explained to me a little bit about your situation when she bought the package for you, and I knew you were attractive, that was easy to see from the pictures she’d shared.  I hadn’t been expecting someone like  _ you _ though.”

Louis messed with the hem of his shirt a little as he waited for Harry to continue.

“You just...you walked in and it was like you were sunshine.  Even feeling as conflicted as you did, you just had this personality, this confidence in yourself that made me feel like I needed to be around you constantly.  But you were pregnant with another man’s baby and I was your photographer.  I had to make sure I kept it professional the entire time, because it really  _ really _ was not my place to flirt with a man who was so obviously settled down.

“Except then that appointment had us talking so easily and comfortably and I just couldn’t help feeling even more drawn to you.  The sessions started and especially that one where you were so tense and I got to actually touch your shoulders...like, Lou.  It’s ridiculous, okay?  I know it is, but just being able to massage your shoulders felt like a gift.”

Harry’s eyes were wide and he was shaking his head as if he couldn’t understand it either.  “That’s just how you are.  It’s always the best thing possible to be near you.  So I tried.  I did the best I could not to develop feelings, but I did.  And I thought I had them under control, but as soon as I actually met Nathan I knew I didn’t.  The issue was he was such a good guy!  And it’s not like I wanted you to be with a dickhead, because I didn’t, but I just really wanted you to be with me.  So I was so disappointed I couldn’t at least hate him secretly, because I liked him, but I was still so incredibly jealous.”

Louis’ heart was pounding and he was so glad that he could hear Harry.  He wanted to have these words recorded so he could play them back whenever he needed to.

“Things seemed okay for you two, so I let it be and tried to stick to my job, but I thought of you often.  And then I was so mad after Old Hamilton Days because it was so obvious to me that he wasn’t paying attention to you the way you deserved, the way I would.  And after that I could feel some tension between you two, and I didn’t want to hope, but I did.  I’m sorry, but I did.  And then you scared the shit out of me with that panic attack again, and I once again hoped, but you showed up a couple days later and both of you seemed happier than ever and it was then I thought I’d have to let you go.”

Harry grabbed Louis’ hand and held it between two of his, causing a thrill to light within Louis.  That giddy feeling he used to feel when a relationship was just starting was finally taking root in him, and he knew he and Harry could at least have a chance.

“I never could have imagined that you’d feel the same.  I had to hold off reading the note and opening the box until my last client left, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to focus after that.  But I have one more thing to say.  If we do this, I’m in.  I’m not going to half ass this.  That’s not what you deserve and as I know you’ve seen with my photography I don’t really operate that way.  I will be as much or as little of a father to Isabelle as you and Nathan let me be.  I will support you and do everything I can to make sure you are getting everything you need.  I know we haven’t really known each other for very long, but I do feel like I understand you and I would love to keep trying to do so.  And that’s all I wanted to say.  I’m in.”

Louis wiped the tears that had formed at the relief that he and Harry were on the same page with his available hand.

“I’m ridiculous and hormonal right now.  You aren’t exactly coming in at an easy time.  You’re sure you want to try this?”

Harry smiled brightly.  “Yes.  I definitely do.  Are you okay with me being so serious so fast?  I know you just got out of your long term relationship with Nathan, but you made it sound like you were open to this as well.”

Louis nodded enthusiastically.  “Yeah.  Yes.  I am very open to this.  Can I please take you out to dinner now?”

“Now?”  Harry laughed.  “Do you even know where you want to go?”

“Yes, I need some of that apple cake they have at the German restaurant downtown.  Please say you’ll eat German food with me.  It’s all I’ve been able to think about, other than you, all day.”

“Alright.  That sounds great.  Let’s go on a date.”

Harry drove them to German Village where Goethe’s was and they were quickly seated.

“I’m so serious when I say I’ve had dreams about their apple cake this week.”

Harry chuckled.  “I’m more a fan of their cream puffs, but I’m glad we’re able to help your cravings tonight.”

The restaurant’s band was there that night with live music, and Harry and Louis had a blast even if they couldn’t hear each other easily.  Once dinner was finished and their dessert bagged up, they decided to walk around a little and enjoy the scenery until they felt like they could sit down comfortably in Harry’s car.

They hadn’t walked very far when a sudden cramp and shooting pain in Louis’ abdomen caused him to fold over his belly and cry out.  

Harry immediately put his arms around Louis and said, “Oh my God, what’s wrong?  Are you okay?”

The pain eased a little, but the tightness of Louis’ belly was still there making him uncomfortable.  “I don’t know,” he said, breathing heavily.  “It felt kind of like the Braxton Hicks contractions I’ve had, but not at the same time.”  Hoping it didn’t happen again, Louis stood up and tentatively began to walk again, this time leaning into Harry.

Louis slowly became more confident it was just a weird one off, but was trying to monitor Isabelle’s movements.  He hadn’t noticed her moving that much and then suddenly the pain was back and he almost crumpled with this one.

“Louis, I’m taking you to the hospital,” Harry said, the panic evident in his voice.

Louis nodded.  “Yeah.  That’s fine.  They know me in the Labor and Delivery area of the hospital since I’ve had to go for non-stress tests the past several weeks.” 

Louis started walking back towards where they came from, but was soon doubled over with pain again.

“Fuck,” he whined as he gripped Harry’s forearm.  “Can you bring the car to me instead?”

Harry helped Louis over towards one of the benches outside of a shop then jogged off in search of his car.  Louis pulled his phone out and quickly dialed his mom while he was waiting.  He kept his eyes closed and focused on breathing to try to keep calm while the phone rang.

“Hey, Boo!  What’s going on this evening?”

Louis could tell by his mom’s voice that she wasn’t going to be able to soothe him like he’d hoped.

“Are you sick?” Louis asked, practically panting since another contraction had hit.  At least he assumed that’s what these were.  He thought contractions were supposed to slowly become more painful, not just out of nowhere, so maybe they weren’t contractions, but until he had a better name for the pain that was assaulting him he’d say that’s what they were.

His mom tried to laugh but coughed instead.  “Oh yeah.  You know how the beginning of the school year always is.  The kids bring home all the germs and without fail I get something.  This time it seems to be a bit of the flu.  You don’t sound so great either though, what are you down with?”

“Just think I might be having real contractions,” Louis said, falling back against the bench in an attempt to relieve some of the pressure from his aching pelvis.  “It feels like she’s trying to break through my hips or something, there’s just so much weight and shit against me down there and these contraction things just,” Louis whined as another one hit.  “They just started up and mom, I’m scared.”

“Oh, Louis.  It’s okay.  I’m so sorry I won’t be able to be at the hospital with you for this, though!  We can’t chance me being there for a cesarean and a newborn.  Is Nathan back from his trip yet?”

Harry’s car appeared in front of Louis and he was so grateful he almost cried.  Louis began to stand up but wasn’t sure he’d be able to himself.  His legs felt so weak, and panic was starting to flood his whole body.  Harry came and wrapped his arm around Louis to help him up and into the car.  Once Louis was situated he realized he still had his mom on the phone and waiting for an answer to something.

“Sorry, what did you ask?” Louis asked, breathlessly.  He leaned the seat back a bit and buckled the seatbelt.  “Shit, this is so uncomfortable.”

“Is Nathan back?” his mom asked calmly.

“No, he’s not supposed to be back for another three days,” Louis said.  “But I’ve got Harry here helping me get to the hospital, so don’t worry.  I’m getting there safely and not driving myself.”

Harry grunted his agreement as he eased the car into drive.  The bumpy ride over the brick roadway caused more pain to radiate from where all the pressure was building in Louis’ groin area.  Fuck, this was so bad, Louis could barely think.

“Sorry, I’m sorry.  It’s back to paved roads once we’re off this one, and then freeway driving most of the rest of the way, okay?” Harry assured and Louis just nodded.

“Boo, is anyone going to be able to stay at the hospital with you?  I can send Dan or Lottie if you want?”  Jay’s voice was rough with her illness, but Louis didn’t want Dan or Lottie.  He wanted his mom.

“No, it’s okay.  I’ll figure something out.  Thanks for offering.  You just get better and I’ll text as I have updates, okay?”

They ended the call and Louis was never so grateful to be on somewhat smooth road as he was right then.

“Your mom okay?” Harry asked.  Louis looked over and saw his hands were practically white on the steering wheel.  “Have you called Nathan?”

“Shit, Harry.  I’m so sorry.  This was  _ not _ how I imagined our first date going,” Louis said with a tense chuckle before the contraction started again.  “Fuck, every tiny bump that we go over hurts like shit.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.  I’m trying to avoid as much as I can, but the roads are just bumpy,” Harry said.  “But really, is your mom okay?”

Louis nodded.  “Yeah.  Has a bit of the flu.  It was supposed to be her and Nathan at the hospital with me cause the C-Section kinda scares the shit outta me, but now neither is gonna be able to be there and I just don’t know what to do?” Louis started crying.  Fuck.  What a shitty day.  “I can’t call Nate right now, I can’t really think.”

“I get it if you don’t want me there, but I can stay with you, Lou.  I’d be honored, really.”

“What?”  There’s no way Harry just volunteered to do that.  He’d be witness to Louis getting cut open and a child being pulled out which is beautiful but not at the same time and a fucking lot to take on when this was interrupting their very first date.  “Harry, are you sure?”

“I was actually there for my friend Chloe when she gave birth.  Did I ever tell you about that?”

Louis shook his head before he realized Harry was so concentrated on the road he probably didn’t even see him.  “No.”

“Her fiance was in training for the military and not able to be there.  Her family all lived down in Florida, so I was the one in the hospital with her, and yeah.  It was scary.  But it was also incredible.  And I already told you I’m all in.  I’ll be there for you if you want me to be.  And if you pull up Nathan’s contact in your phone, I can talk to him.”

Louis nodded and dialed Nathan before handing the phone over to Harry.  Louis had always been a proponent of hands free laws and was frustrated none had ever been passed in their city, but right now he was very grateful.

Louis tried not to hold his breath as another contraction came on and tried to focus on relaxing the rest of himself, but it wasn’t fucking working.  Whoever wrote up those books about labor were deluded.  How is anyone able to relax the rest of their body while their midsection feels like it’s completely seized up and on fire?

“Hey, Nathan.  This is Harry.”  Harry was quiet while Nathan said something that made Harry give a laugh.  That made Louis smile through the pain at least.  He liked that they were able to get along even with things being so complicated.  “Yeah, well I’m actually calling because we think Louis might be in labor.”

Louis zoned out a bit and watched the city pass them by on the freeway until Harry handed the phone back to him.

“Here you go.  He’s going to try to move up his scheduled flight, but at this point he’s already supposed to fly out in just under 24 hours, so he isn’t sure how much earlier he’ll be able to get back.  He wants you to know that he loves you and Izzy and you’ll be great.”

Louis reached out and rubbed his hand down Harry’s arm then patted his hand where it was resting on the gear shift.  “That’s great.  Thank you so much.  I really appreciate you.” 

Harry turned his hand over to squeeze Louis’ before moving his hand back to the steering wheel.  “We’re almost there.  I’m gonna get valet parking so I can go right in with you, okay?”

Louis didn’t even bother responding because the pain on the current contraction wasn’t going away as quickly as the others.  He focused on moving his legs once the car door opened and Harry helped him into a wheelchair once they made it to the entrance of the hospital.  

“Where do we go from here?  I’ve never been to this one for Labor and Delivery.”

Louis pointed to the left and said, “There’s an elevator behind that wall.  Go to second floor.”

Harry immediately started wheeling Louis through the quiet lobby with a nice waterfall coming from the ceiling.  He had loved the calm and soothing effect of that before, but now it just made him feel like he needed to pee.

Once they were on the second floor, Louis pointed the way so Harry maneuvered them past three various sitting rooms and back to where Louis could press the button for the intercom.

“How can I help you?” a male voice asked.

“Hi, this is Louis Tomlinson.  I’m not scheduled for another month, but I think I’m in labor?” he said as another contraction hit.  “If I’m not, I sure am in a lot of pain,” he wheezed out.

“Okay, Louis.  Come on to the entrance door where you go for your NSTs and we’ll get you set up in triage.  Alright, sweetie?”

“Yeah, be there in a sec,” Louis said, before pointing to his right.  “Just on the other side of this wall is a desk and past that desk is the door where they’ll let us in to triage.”

Harry maneuvered the wheelchair around and pushed it over to where a nice young nurse was already waiting to bring them back. 

“Hi, Louis.  I wasn’t expecting to see you here again until next week!”

Louis rolled his eyes.  “Yeah.  Me neither.  Kate, this is Harry.”

“Hi, Harry.  You can bring him on over to room four.  It’s a quiet night so far tonight, so you’ve got all of us to yourself, Louis.”

“Oh, yay,” Louis said.  Pain was radiating through him again, and were these contractions getting closer together?  It felt like they were.  Longer and closer together.

“Have you called your doctor yet?” Kate asked as she got him comfortable, or as comfortable as possible anyway, on the bed and hooked up to all the same non-stress test monitors they did every other week as well as a few additional bands.  Louis shook his head no and she continued talking easily.  “Okay, these are just going to not only pick up baby’s heartbeat and movement, but also monitor your contractions for frequency, strength, and length, okay?  Once we have a good idea of all of that then we’ll know how serious all of this is, okay?”

“Thanks, Kate.  Can I have some water, too?”  All the deep breaths and pain had Louis’ mouth feeling like cotton balls had been swabbed through it.

“I’m going to have to hold off on that until we have a better idea of where you are.  If we need to get you in for your C-Section here real fast like I think we might then we can’t have you drinking anything else until afterwards.”

Kate left the room and registration came in to get all of Louis’ information and make sure that it was all up to date.  Once that was confirmed, Kate was back in adjusting things and taking note of the various monitors.  Louis looked over at where Harry was seated, ramrod straight in the chair, hands clenched in his lap.

“You okay there, H?”

Harry’s head snapped to Louis’ face and he smiled.  “Yeah.  I’m good.  You okay still?”

Louis nodded as another contraction hit.

“Those are definitely contractions and they’re coming at far to close a frequency to be comfortable.  We’re going to give you some medicine through your IV that will hopefully get them to slow down or even stop because we want your little lady to be able to bake as long as possible, but if it doesn’t have a noticeable effect in the next twenty minutes, we’re going to have to get you ready to have your baby tonight.  You with me, Louis?”

Louis nodded.  “Yeah.  Sounds good.”

“I’ve got to get a doctor to sign off of this and I’ll call your doctor to give her an update, okay?”

“Okay.”

The next little bit was a flurry of activity.  The medicine didn’t slow Louis’ contractions at all, in fact they continued coming closer together and stronger, meaning they couldn’t hold off much longer.  Both he and Harry were readied for the surgery and all of the anesthesia given to Louis so he didn’t have much feeling anywhere below his chest.  His arms felt a bit heavy from the meds he was given, but luckily he was still able to hold Harry’s hand.

“You sure you’re still okay with this, Harry?” he checked for probably the millionth time.  Harry actually looked quite handsome in his scrubs and mask.  Just a few wisps were poking out beneath his head covering and Louis wanted to pet them.  Pet them and kiss them and… “Holy shit, I haven’t even kissed you yet!” Louis said with surprise.

Harry let out his loud cackle before being able to bring it down to a giggle.  “I think we’ll have plenty of time for that, Lou.”

Louis nodded, but pouted all the same.  “I’ve wanted to kiss you for ages now.  I can wait a little longer, I guess.”

Harry hummed and leaned over to kiss Louis’ forehead.  “Hopefully that’ll tide you over.”

The transportation guy came and got everything hooked up so Louis and Harry could go to the operating room, and after several winding hallways and a short ride in an elevator, Louis was in a room with Fleetwood Mac playing.

“Do you have any music requests, Louis?” Dr. Vora asked as she came into the room.  She was putting on her gloves but otherwise looked ready despite the last minute call.  “I’m a fan of Fleetwood myself, but I’m willing to change if you have something that would be better for you.”

Louis shook his head and was grateful for the shield they were putting into place so he couldn't see what they were about to do to him.  

“H, if you want to lean down with me so you don’t have to watch them do all that, I’d be more than okay with that.”

Harry nodded fervently and the color slightly came back to his face.  “Good, cause I don’t really wanna see that, if I’m honest.”

As soon as the doctors got down to business, Louis focused on Harry telling him how great he was doing and all the random shit he was saying to keep Louis distracted.  Which was great, because honestly it felt fucking weird what they were doing.  The anesthetic definitely was working, but he still felt pressure here and there and he’d rather focus on the deep, rich tones of Harry’s voice and the antics of the three year old he’d tried to photograph with little success this afternoon.  Louis toned even that out after a little bit and focused entirely on the feel of Harry’s hand, strong and steady, inside of his own.

All of that changed when a cry sounded in the room and Dr. Vora held Isabelle high enough so Louis could see her over the shield as she said, “You’ve got a healthy baby girl, Louis.  Congratulations.”

Louis immediately began to cry, particularly when a little bit later a hastily cleaned baby was gently set on his chest.  Louis cradled her and covered the tiny baby in kisses.

“We have to do a fair amount of tests to make sure that, even as early as she is, she’s fully developed and healthy, but she’s looking great so far, Louis.  Congratulations.”

Louis just nodded and held his baby, his daughter, completely filled with wonder at the miracle in front of him.

Harry slipped away for a bit, presumably to update Jay, and joined Louis in the recovery room and new parents’ suite.

Louis was cradling Isabelle, feeding her the smallest bottle of formula he’d ever seen in his entire life.

“They said she’s completely healthy, can you believe it?” Louis said softly, watching her tiny mouth work while her little hand was wrapped around Louis’ pinky.  “She was five pounds, five ounces, which they said wasn’t too bad for being a month early.  She’s just so perfect, H.”

Louis seemed to have a constant stream of tears in his eyes ever since he first heard her crying.

“She’s beautiful,” Harry said, and Louis could hear the tears in his voice as well.  Louis looked up and saw Harry, watching both of them with shining eyes.  “She’s beautiful, just like her papa.”

Louis nodded then shuffled over on the bed a little.  “Come and sit down with us.”

Once Harry had settled in beside Louis so he was an awkward sort of big spoon, Louis looked up at him.

“You’re gonna have a hard ass time beating this as a first date,” Louis teased.  “We got cream puffs  _ and _ a baby.”

Harry’s grin took over his entire face and Louis felt like he’d finally found the place he’d been searching for.  He never would have expected an unplanned child in his arms and the man he had only been on one date with to be it, but that was definitely where he belonged.  

“Hey, what’s Nathan’s number?” Harry asked as he ran his fingers through Louis’ hair.  Louis rattled off the number and soon found himself shown on the screen of Harry’s phone.  He was facetiming Nathan.  “He deserves to be a part of this as much as he possibly can,” Harry whispered before placing a kiss above Louis’ ear.  Louis leaned into it and closed his eyes for a second before he heard some rustling coming from Harry’s phone.

“Oh my God, is that our baby girl?” Nathan asked, his face coming close to the screen.  It looked like Nathan was crying, which just set Louis off again.

“Yeah.  Isabelle Jay, meet your daddy.” Louis said, propping her up as best he could while still being able to feed her.  “She’s gorgeous, isn’t she?

“She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Nathan said through his tears.  “How are you doing, Lou?  You holding up okay?”

Louis shrugged.  “It hurts like hell, but they’re keeping me on the pain meds pretty well so far and Harry’s doing what he can to help too.”  Louis looked over at Harry to find him already watching Louis with fondness.  “I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.”

Nathan rubbed his face, but his smile didn’t go away.  “I’m so proud of you, Lou.  And thank you so much, Harry.  I appreciate the phone call and now this.  You all get some rest, I was able to get a flight that leaves about six hours earlier than my original, so I’m packing and trying to get everything ready to go for the airport.  I’ll be back as soon as I can, alright?  Harry, you send as many photos and videos as possible.  I’m your new favorite contact, even above your mom.  Okay?”

Harry laughed.  “You got it.”

“I love you, Lou.  And you too, Isabelle Jay.  I’ll be back soon.”

Louis smiled gratefully at the screen, but he could feel himself starting to doze off, and it seemed Isabelle had fallen asleep trying to eat as well.  He wasn’t quite ready to put her down yet, though.  

Harry ended the call and was about to pocket his phone when he opened it up to the camera instead.

“Is it okay if I take some selfies and then some of the two of you?” Harry asked softly.  “I know you’re tired, but I want some for us as well as for Nathan.  Maybe we can post one to Facebook for you too?”

Louis studied Harry’s face.  He was so gentle and tender.  Louis was so lucky to have found him and have him in his life.  He couldn’t wait to get to know him even better and allow him to play a larger role in his and Isabelle’s lives permanently.

“Yeah.  Let’s take our first family picture.”

Harry wrapped his arm around Louis the best he could without bothering any of the IVs and other cords Louis was still connected to, and Louis sunk into him.  It was incredible.  Even on this uncomfortable hospital bed connected to numerous monitors, they somehow fit perfectly.

Louis turned his head to kiss Harry’s cheek for one of them, and he reveled in the rough feel where his stubble was starting to come in and the warmth of his skin beneath it.  Harry even smelled like comfort for Louis.  Louis then leaned down to kiss Isabelle.  Harry did his thing with his phone and when Louis leaned back, about to pass out, Harry swiped through the photos.

“Harry, can you help me get her back into the bassinet?”  Harry put away his phone and gently took Isabelle from Louis’ arms.  She squirmed a bit, before settling down and smacking her lips once.  Just like that, she was back to sleep.

“Can I just…”  Harry didn’t take his gaze away from Isabelle, but he did bite his lip in what Louis already knew was his nervous tell.  “Is it okay with you if I hold her for a little bit?  You can get some rest.  I just want to hold her.”

Louis yawned and maneuvered the bed so it was laying back further.  “That’s fine, babe.  You two have fun.  I’ll just be here.”  And with that, Louis went to sleep knowing his life couldn’t be more perfect than it was in that moment.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you liked it, please send kudos and leave nice comments! You can also reblog the the fic post [here](http://lululawrence.tumblr.com/post/165117631788/and-things-will-be-hard-at-times-by-lululawrence) and I will send you the most love and hugs virtually. :)
> 
> Interested in helping support charities with fanfic? If you are, I could write a fic for you! Check out the info [here on Tumblr](https://1dfanworksforcharity.tumblr.com/post/174494969280/1d-fanworks-for-charity-auctions-for-lululawrence).


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